Strange, I had thought that I was moving through the grief cycle really well…then pow! My wonderful Nana has a stroke and for 11 days I sit constantly by her bedside hoping for a miracle…only to watch her fall to sleep for the last time.
I have really struggled in December to coming to terms with her death, I realise that she was 99 but she was…well, my rock, my world. Grief is never about how old someone is, it is truly about how you love that person. It has brought back all my grieving tears and feeling of isolation.
I know I am still grieving as I sit here on New Years Eve, it will take time and tomorrow will be another year. I want to see this as a test to my courage, a test to the strength that hopefully I inherited from Nana herself.
At the end of the year, all widows and widowers will have had a rollercoaster of emotions. It is whether we coped, it is whether we realised that our survival throughout the pain….should be celebrated tonight. We may at times feel weak, but our weakness is not a fault it is merely a sign of our love….
In 2010 we will continue our journey together knowing that love will always conquer all the negative emotions that we may have….
Have a wonderful 2010 and thank you for giving me the strength to cope in 2009…your friendship means the world to me
Leslie how did it go? Mum and I actually invited friends round and would you believe mum was ski jumping on a wii!!! It wasn’t about forgetting but what we said is that laughter is a great cure for grief….none of our lost loves would want us to be unhappy or lonely so we tried to make it as fun as possible. I have to say though Mum had to return early as the weather was closing in and she left on New Years Day….it felt awful, I needed mums company. I almost felt the loss more re the living…somehow I fear losing her so much, that I want to keep her close….and that isn’t right…do you ever feel like that?
New Years’ Eve is especially meaningful for me, Anna. Since we both loved to cook, Rick and I would go out and buy the ingredients for a wonderful meal [usually seafood] and together make a lovely dinner to welcome the new year. We liked to spend this night alone reflecting on the old year and looking forward to the new. My last New Years Eve with him was two years ago when we were looking forward to his retirement and thinking about all the things we would do with his free time. Little did I know that three days later my world would come tumbling down as he had a seizure and the next day was diagnosed with the brain tumour that took his life in June 2008. So I am three days away from the anniversary of the day my life changed forever.
However, I have made a resolution to honour Rick’s memory by living each day to its fullest and I know this is one I can keep. I realize that there will still be ups and downs but isn’t that what life is about? It is how you handle these downs that make you who you are. My strength comes from my undying love for my late husband and a determination that I never knew I had for which I am both grateful and proud. So tonight when the bells ring out the old and ring in the new I will be a little nostalgic for what might have been but also optimistic for my future. I will do this with a feeling that Rick is behind me 100% for I believe that love transcends death.
Happy New Year to all.