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On the Today show this morning, they reported that a whopping 70% of moms in the U.S. say mothering is “incredibly stressful.” On top of that, 96% feel we are far more stressed than our own mothers were. While I can certainly relate (I am a working mom with two kids), I always find reports like that interesting, because I think they can paint a picture of us as martyrs, when in fact, we’re the ones who typically bring this stress upon ourselves. And if we would just cut ourselves some slack, we could probably alleviate a lot of this angst.
Yes, things like the economy, financial insecurities, job losses, family illnesses and caring for aging parents are stressful. There’s no doubt about that. And sometimes those situations leave us little choice in how harried our lives are–at least temporarily. But then there are other stressors that we do choose, like a more intense parenting style, packing too much into our daily agendas, higher expectations for the type of lifestyle we lead and striving for a life of bigger and better that Americans are famous for.
All of this can not only lead to us walking around like over-stressed zombies, but it can be responsible for a decline in our overall health, wellness and happiness–not just for ourselves, but for our spouse and children as well. Chronically stressed moms tend to be more insensitive to their kids (we’re probably all guilty of not looking up from our iPhone on occasion when our kids are trying to tell us something important). Studies also show that a parent’s ability to manage stress is a strong predictor of the quality of her relationship with her children and how happy they are.
To combat this, Today show contributor and psychologist, Michele Borba, prescribed various “mom de-stressors” like giving ourselves a 5-minute “time out”, learning deep breathing techniques, dancing with our kids in the living room, taking time to be spontaneous like baking the dog a birthday cake, and finding a “mommy coach” in a mom chat room. All of which sounds a little, well, ridiculous if you ask me. Not because I don’t think those things could help relieve a little stress (except for baking the dog a cake–isn’t that just adding more to-do’s to our already crazy list?), but because those tactics don’t really get to the heart of the issue. They just give us so-called coping techniques, when what we really need are solve-the-problem techniques.
Which brings me to my point: Outside experts, coaches and even friends are not going to make our stress go away. The only person who can do that is us. It boils down to personal responsibility, in my mind. Meaning, no one is making us live a life of chronic stress. No one is making us work so much just so we can afford a bigger house than we really need. No one says we have to be the class mom, the soccer mom, the PTA chair or the lead volunteer on every community project. No one says we have to spend 24/7 with our kids. In short, no one, except us, is forcing us to be the supermom. The same supermom who is chronically stressed-out, irritable and tired, according to this report.
Ladies, isn’t it time we cut ourselves a bit of slack?
It’s high time we say, screw-it to feeling like we have to do it all and be it all. We don’t have to work so much just so we can buy more things we don’t need. We don’t have to be the go-to volunteer for every school and community project. We don’t have to get all of the chores done every day. And we don’t have to drive our kids here and there and everywhere. We don’t have to be perfect. You get my drift.
Like I said, yes, sometimes there are unfortunate circumstances in our lives that leave us no choice but to pick up a second job or dealing with a family illness, and those are certainly not fun. But what I’m talking about is the rest of our lives, beyond those situations. We are the only ones who can cut down on our stress–not by using some silly coping techniques, but more so by lowering the bars we set for ourselves.
Because, really, we are the only ones who set it so high to begin with.
Photo: thinkstock.com
I am way more stressed than my own mom, and it’s generally not because of things within my control. My dad and my DH work in similar positions, but my dad only was expected to work 45 hrs/week rather than the 60-70+ that my DH is (effectively making me a single mom M-F). My parents had access to high-quality public schools for my siblings and I, while I have to homeschool my children because the schools today are so lousy. My mom also did not have to deal with the incredible stress of having a child with autism. It’s very easy to smugly tell moms to “chill out” but not so easy to put into practice when you look more closely at WHY many of us are so stressed.