To be fair…I’m talking about a very specific kind of humor. Not the fun “I love you” or “You’re so silly” jovial humor that every relationship should have. I’m referring to the soul sucking, marriage exploding humor that works it’s way into the conversation when you are dining with an unhappy couple.
This weekend, Paul and I went out with an older couple we had not seen in a while. They’re probably in their mid-forties and have been married four times as long as Paul and I.
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After the obligatory small talk to ease into the evening, the discussion got a little awkward when our female dinner companion (let’s call her “Anne”) kept referring to her husband’s (“Jim’s”) problems in the bedroom.
More wine please. Thank you.
No matter how uncomfortable Jim was, or the number of times Paul and I tried to steer the conversation in another direction. Anne kept finding ways to work in jokes at Jim’s expense back into the dialogue. It was painful to watch – I can’t even imagine how Jim was feeling.
How do you get to the point in your relationship where you are so blind to your spouse’s feelings that you can’t see how much your words are hurting and embarrassing him? While I am sure there is more to it than what we saw at the dinner table, it was just baffling to me – especially given how considerate and kind Paul and I try to be with one another. I can be an intensely private person (heh, who blogs!), especially when it comes to my marriage. If we’re arguing, I don’t want to talk to people about it. And if we are in the middle of an argument and have to be somewhere, I will intuitively put on a happy face and shelf the conversation for later.
Humor can be so good for a marriage when it’s in the right context. But even more harmful than directly hurtful words are the ones that are somehow meant to be funny, but wind up stabbing your partner instead.