I can talk to anyone about any detail of sex without blushing but when it is time to discuss stuff with Marc I stammer, blush, and can’t find the words I want to use. Pillowtalk is a language I don’t speak very well.
I get a daily email from the folks at Growthtrac Marriage Minute. I really appreciate their emails..sometimes it is a timely nudge..and sometimes it is a pretty solid kick…and..there are times, honestly, that i just sigh and delete. Today’s was good, it was addressed to women, although I think it is better addressed to men AND women instead of just women..
Here is what they said:
Be Alert to His Love Needs (or HERS!)
Ask him (her) these questions…
• “What would show you that I’m interested in your sexual needs?”
• “How often do you need sexual intercourse?”
• “What satisfies you the most about our sexual relationship?”
• “What do you need me to do more often?”
• “What do you need me to do less often?”
• “What does it mean to you if I initiate sex?”
• “If I’m not ready for sex at the same time you are,
how can I show that in a way that doesn’t make you
feel rejected?”
O.k…now, you will notice that i have bolded the three that are the most important in my opinion.
Sex is on of those issues that has the potential to cause some pretty deep emotional wounds, not just for one gender or the other but for either. And wounds cause walls..and walls cause emotional separation and that causes problems that can be insurmountable if they aren’t dealt with.
But..the three I think are most important…ahem…
1. “What would show you that I’m interested in your sexual needs?” there are many times that Marc thinks he is being way sexy and I don’t get it. Unlike most women I am not a delicate romantic..nor am I tuned in to subtle signals…I pretty much need him to look into my eyes and be verbally explicit.Marc is not comfortable with that so there are times where we miss each other because we don’t “hear” what the other is saying.There are times that i feel like he is just doing it because he has to…and that hurts..but he says he isn’t feeling that way at all..and then it turns into a communication breakdown, hurt feelings and frustration. There are times that he feels he has “made his move” but I have ignored him …because I didn’t notice it! If he could tell me what I could do to show him I was interested and if he would do what I needed him to do to show me he was interested things might be smoother.
2. “How often do you need sexual intercourse?” This is important too. I need it oftener than Marc. My preference would be somewhere around 6 to 12 times a week..maybe more on holidays or when I was really stressed. Marc’s preference was 2 to 4 times a month before we went to counseling..then things got better and we compromised at 4 times a week..now..not so much because of the medications.. In all of that MY needs have not changed. The thing is that Marc used to think that there was something wrong with me because my sex drive is so high..I used to think there was something wrong with him because his is so low… The truth is that people are different. If your mate needs sex twice as much as you do then make a compromise..meet somewhere in the middle. Don’t make them feel like a freak of nature because they want it more. I used to use this example with Marc…I only need to eat once every couple of days..I just don’t get hungry..and if it was up to me I would make a pot of rice and beans at the beginning of the week and eat that when I was hungry…until it was gone…I love to cook but I don’t like food. Marc needs to eat several times a day because he has a racing metabolism..What if I made him stick to MY schedule because I wasn’t hungry? What would he do? I will tell you….he would go to Whataburger! Unfortunately that is frowned on with sex..if you have a higher need than your mate you really shouldn’t just go and get a meal somewhere else..you know? Anyway..if you have a low drive and you are forcing your spouse to “go hungry” you are pushing them to seek sex elsewhere and it is as much your responsibility as theirs.
3. • “If I’m not ready for sex at the same time you are,
how can I show that in a way that doesn’t make you
feel rejected?” Eeeww…rejection..a married person should never feel rejected by the one person that can hurt them the most. For people with a high sex drive sometimes “I am really too tired” sounds more like “You don’t turn me on”because of course if we were buff enough, handsome enough, beautiful enough, perfect enough then of course you would melt and be sexual putty. If you can talk this through you can come up with acceptable alternatives and ways of communicating your needs without making the other feel freakish or rejected.
Copy down the questions and spend some time talking about these issues..I think you will be glad you did.
image:morguefile
The second question in bold seems to get me, the metaphor about food and being hungry in our relationship means well, just cause we dont have the drive to have sex with each other, there is always self fulfillment, instead of getting it elsewhere, why not in privacy of your own home with a toy for her and hand for me …but for me it works only few times, but she is happy to use a toy and be satisfied that way ….and yes talking about why sex is zero in the relationship is like throwing a grenade…dont know what to do … she told me she had a very high sex drive before in he early 20s but now somehow its dead for her — what bugs me is that she has the drive just not for a mutual experience …
Reply
Great ideas Julia thanks for sharing. :)
Reply
Great post, and good questions, although the second one about “sexual intercourse” is a bit of a mouthful LOL. Another thing is that “intercourse” is usually associated with penetrative sex, whereas clearly there are other ways to give pleasure to oneself and to each other. But all in all, if it is too hard to actually start speaking to each other, I’d propose to try and write intimate letters, or meet each other in a chat and talk that way. Have it break the ice, and then move on to talking in person. A great idea may also be – which I intend to put forward in future for myself – to have a nice little “secret wishes” box, where partners would put in a piece of paper with a sexual wish written on it. In short, make it a game, not an ordeal or duty (although it is both a duty and ordeal).
Reply
So, continuing from the previous post, then.
Having both perspectives on the topic – with myself being high drive and low drive ( well, none ) and the wife remaining at a steady constant around the average mid-line, I found that
A. Having virtually no interest for a long period of time did not increase or decrease her need to communicate about sexual issues ( as far as I know )
B. Having a markedly increased interest for a period of time did not seem to affect her either.
She tends to keep things to herself, and isn’t the sort to examine her own feelings, etc for patterns or reasons – there was an exception to this, but I won’t go into it here – so, I may not have a complete view of things.
I assume that I don’t.
Reply
I suppose I’ve a unique vantage point as I’ve been on both sides of the bed in our 14 years.
Some sort of weird hereditary trait on my fathers side – it affects both the women and fellows – causes our hormones/biochem to flux over extreme ranges. From my mid-late 20’s till somewhere around age 38 or so, my pituitary gland’s output dwindled to a trickle – which resulted in low testosterone levels during this period and, of course, it manifested itself in a low drive as well as daily fatigue and a loss of zip in general.
Oddly, there was no E.D. associated with it at all – just wasn’t interested in it. Doing it, thinking about it, or talking about it.
Then in my late thirties – unexpectedly – for whatever reasons, the pituitary gland kicked in high gear. It must’ve been like a fuel line clearing a piece of debris that’d been choking the fuel-starved engine.
I was out jogging ( I’d taken up running ) one day, gasping up a particularly grueling hill; waiting for my second wind to kick in and the suddenly I was 14 again ( I’d forgotten what it’d been like ) It was a CHARGE – I recalled vividly how I’d felt then at puberty because the feeling of newness and amazement that something like THAT could exist.
(to be cont) sorry folks, bedtime!
Cheers,
Reply
a husband- good point!
Heather..LOL! you are so funny. If marc would talk about sex to me all day I would be ecstatic…well maybe not all day..
Reply
Ugh. I hate talking about sex. It is SO awkward. You’d think after 25 years of marriage, seeing every disgusting thing about each other you could possibly see (sickness, blood, etc) that it would be easier to talk about, wouldn’t you? Ugh, I say, Ugh. ;)
Reply
This is definitely some great stuff.
One thing that adds to the awkwardness of talking about this stuff, is that the best time to talk about it is when you are removed from the sexual experience. Talking about the good and bad right before sex most likely won’t end up leading to sex, and talking about it afterward can leave you both in a mood you don’t want to be in.
I say, schedule a time to talk about this together (maybe on a longer drive together, or on a night you know there’s not going to be any sex).
Sex is a touchy subject, and I think it should be. Talking about the quality of intimacy most definitely can easily hurt intimacy. But it needs to be talked about, so that there will be even more closeness and satisfaction between you two.
Good stuff.
Reply