This comment came to us when Michael and I were having a drink with a very good friend of ours. It was in a loud, celebratory setting – not the kind of place that’s usually conducive or appropriate for soul-baring or hand wringing, but it struck us both hard enough that we felt compelled to respond. I was so proud of my husband for not shying away from this opportunity and for having my back. D*mn, I love that man.
Thanks again to Angelique from Breaking the Mirror, who is the actor in this clip:
My response: “Actually, I think you have no idea how much work and commitment it can take to try to have a child in the first place. Don’t tell me about commitment, because I think I know.”
At that point, Michael put his hand on his friend’s shoulder and coolly said, “Sometimes things don’t work like they should. And we’ve been working hard to have what you have, a family that you are absolutely dedicated to. We can talk about it later, in a quieter place.”
In one fell swoop, Michael validated his friend’s experience yet didn’t belittle ours. I think with his gesture, there was a very bright light bulb that went off in our friend’s head. It was a teachable moment, if you will.
Now, this was a friendly setting and said by a friend. How would you react if a stranger said this to you?
What’s this all about? Here’s the full explanation.
Keep in mind, you don’t have to be infertile or even want to have kids to respond. Before I started on this crazy path and I was decidedly a non-breeder, this statement would rile me for absolutely different reasons. How does it affect you?
Gad, I loath those people that say “OMG I’M A PARENT ITS SO TOUGH AND TRYING BUT I AM HERO” bull you just do it… Those people want a pat on the back, they are dramafied attention seekers or borderline Munchausen. You have kids you do what they need done and tend to what you think their needs are and watch them grow! CASE CLOSE! Its really not that hard.. You just need time management and maybe some love, maybe lol..
Oh P.S. No need to give me credit, I have the world stealing my lines now lol….
Big J, I happen to think you’re right. And I’m inclined to believe you since you’re a dad.
I love your quote and plan on using it over and over again (with proper credit given, of course).
WTG Mike!
Raising kids isn’t like working two jobs and going to college its more like paying your light bill every month… You just do it and give it its proper attention!
Over simplified, maybe! But true…
Wow, kudos to Michael for handling that so eloquently.
Hi yourself!
You’re so right, Sarah. It’s funny how depending on our own states of mind, we can hear something so differently than what the speaker actually intends. I think you’re dead on in your interpretation of the words. I think they were meant like that, but I still felt the speaker was trying to emphasize that our lives were so much easier than his and that his life was filled with the kind of complexity and stress that we could only imagine.
Hope you are well (and thanks for your comment!)
Who knows what my knee-jerk reaction to that comment might have been — somethign like Gab’s, no doubt — but in the calm, impersonal way I’m hearing it now, it sounds like the person is saying “I had no idea how much work it was going to be. I’m still stunned, and scared to admit even to my friends that I sometimes feel like I can’t do it.”
Props to M. And hi!