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Potential soulmates Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson (Photo: Getty Images)
I love my husband, but he’s not my soulmate.
Not that anyone else is, either. I’m not looking around or anything. Why not? Because I don’t believe soulmates exist.
I’m pretty sure this long-held belief makes me unromantic, but I’m also pretty sure it’s the reason I have a solid marriage.
Five years ago, on a sunny spring Saturday outside my parents’ home, my wedding vows went something like this: “Hi there. So, I don’t believe that people are “meant to be together.” I also don’t think there’s only one person in the world for you, and if you don’t find that person you’ll never be happy. I’m not into destiny. I’m into choice. You choose the person you want to be with…and I choose him.” (Bride indicates groom.) While nervously gathering my thoughts the night before, I had a feeling this line of reasoning might make a few guests uncomfortable (i.e. mother, mother-in-law-to-be), which is one reason I asked the bartender to open up shop an hour before the ceremony. (Smartest thing I’ve ever done, aside from marrying my husband.)
Most everything about pop culture (past and present) says I’m dead wrong about the soulmate debate. Just take movies from “How to Marry a Millionaire” to “Slumdog Millionaire,” a slew of Shakespeare plays including “Romeo and Juliet,” novels from Emily Bronté’s “Wuthering Heights” to Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight” series, and TV juggernauts like ABC’s “Grey’s Anatomy” (thank you, Der and Mer), plus every single daytime soap that’s ever aired on the small screen. (Where were you when Luke and Laura got married?) Magazines, too. They all lure us into an appealing fantasy, when our reality is invariably much different—unless our partner is actually a successful, sensitive, outdoorsy brain surgeon who looks like Patrick Dempsey. Oh, and every time I hear Tom Cruise’s character profess those three dreaded words to Renée Zellweger’s Dorothy near the end of “Jerry Maguire,” I get shivers (and not the good kind). In real life, “you deplete me” is often more accurate.
Tom Cruise and Renée Zellweger in "Jerry Maguire" (TriStar Pictures, 1996)
But I’m not a total buzzkill. Bio TV’s website features a clever gimmick called Dead Celebrity Soulmate Search, where you specify preferences (gender, location, interests, physical attributes) and click to find out with whom you would’ve blissfully lived out your days 150 + years ago. (Don’t worry…if you two don’t hit it off, chances are your ball-and-chain will die of syphilis at age 33. Huzzah!)
Apparently, my dead celebrity soulmate is one of three contenders: Vincent van Gogh (artist = unstable), Henry VIII (bad track record with the ladies), or Edgar Allan Poe (annoyingly expects me to proofread every single poem).
To recap: There’s no such thing as a soulmate. So stop kidding yourself. Eventually, you’ll be glad you did, and you might even meet someone worth choosing.
Surely I’m not the only heretic out there. Or maybe I am. What do you think?
I don’t believe it’s a logical concept. You’re meant to be with someone unless of course.. that someone doesn’t want to be with you…but it’s fate?…..and then you die alone..is that also fate? who decides you have a soulmate??
I did strongly believe that marriage is a choice until an unusual experience happened a few monthes ago. Now I am confusing… the soulmate is really exist? or It is merely an illusion… the trust, connection, intimacy , smiling, eye locked just arised from the first moment …I even asked him in my heart : do you still remember me?… I told myself with surpris happiness that now I know why I am here and why I am in the world… how those things came out from my mind in that short moment? “feeling is not the fact” , the pragmatic is my type, what was wrong with me?
Here’s a question – are you ‘in love’ with your husband? Is that the difference? I love my husband, and don’t think I am ‘in love’ with him. I appreciate him. I wonder: is that enough?
Of course, soulmates exist, why should they not? But that doesn’t mean that there is one for “everyone”. I agree with leisureguy’s estimate of 5%.; good news for espiers!
@Anne: do I understand well that you acknowledge having a soulmate who is not your husband? I like the idea. I also realize that I am about 280 days too late to expect an answer to this question. Never mind, nice topic and comments, greetings.-
I believe that I have found mine. The novelty or appreciation of a person can wear off if the relationship is not cared for and then the relationship is doomed regardless of being soul mates or not. IMHO. Then people in general terms tend to think, “Was he/she really my soulmate?” ,after the relationship doom hits. I think there are so many other factors that need to be looked at and that are just as important as a soul mate factor.
Hmmm…soulmates. Well, I sort of agree, but it doesn’t have to be your husband. I have a best friend that I’ve had for 38 years now, and we’ve had happy, sad and crappy times together, yet know that we’ll always be there for each other in the future. Far more solid than any marriage I know. Could this be the true meaning of soulmates?
Clearly, for any given person there is not one single other person who would be a good match, or even a soulmate. And it’s certainly not clear to me that there is an appropriate match for *everyone*: I can readily think of persons who would be unhappy with their mate no matter who it was (and not, need I say?, because of the mate).
OTOH, it is clear that some people match so well and bond so beautifully that “soulmate” seems appropriate. Not every couple, and it may not even be particularly common. But I would say that perhaps 5% of couples seem to be soulmates.
Full disclosure: After 3 failed marriages, I did find a soulmate and am extremely happily married. YMMV.
If I really believed there was only one person out there for me, it would just induce catastrophic levels of panic about never finding them. It’s a creepy idea, really.