Subscribe
Previous Post
I sometimes think that I live in my own little world. On bad days I see this as wrong because it can make me self obsessed or insular…on good days I think wow, I am my own little powerful leader that will carry me through to the promised land!
But on most days I just sense that I live in a different world to most people. Grief takes you to places emotionally that do not fit in the ordinary world. I notice that when I am out, I portray the person I believe the world wishes to see….of course it is not a complete act but it is the citizen of the ordinary world, not the person from Anna’s world. Oh gosh not sure that this is making sense!
In the past I have seen this is damaging, having my own little world to retreat to…but now I think that it is my cocoon. In my world, in my house, where I can be truly me…..then I can let all the raw emotions out….I can be safe that no one else will judge me or hurt me….I can then pick myself up and determine my own future. That future is one which wants to merge back into the real world on a daily basis…but for now I just want to take weekday breaks there, to ensure that my grieving heart can cope with everyday life.
As for widows quest….you are my satellite station for Anna’s world !!!!! In fact welcome to all other grief aliens from their own little planet today…
67 days ago
[...] Grief–Welcome to my own little world [...]
841 days ago
[...] Grief–Welcome to my own little world [...]
I agree with all of you! About 3 hours after my brother took me to his home after Michael died, I wanted to come back to our home. I needed the solace and freedom to not maintain, to let the rage out, to let the tears flow. That release allowed me to regain my strength for the weeks (and now years) since Michael’s death. Rae was so eloquent when she wrote: “The difference is that now I do this in solitude because the one person who knew the real me is no longer here to help me escape or to watch me transform to my true self.” Michael was my champion and greatest cheerleader, and being with him was my haven. There are times, too, Anna, that I find I enjoy my solitude a little too much. That’s when I’m grateful that my job pulls me back into the world of college students and the future.
And I will say ditto again to all of you. It makes me feel good that others do it, after all you do sometimes wonder if you are going mad. Absolutely that I don’t use it to self pity…I use it just to hide from the pain. I can often just lose two hours on a night as I cocoon …I am not sure how but I get into this mindset…but I have actually started to enjoy it. My only worry is that it is such a safe haven, it is so comfortable that I may find myself not wanting to return to that big wide world out there one day. Not in a suicidal way but in a hermit way…I still think I have a hermit tendency if I am truthful
As always so appreciate your comments
I’ll say “ditto” to what you all have said. However, when I think about it, home has always been where I could just be me, where I could always relax from the world outside. The difference is that now I do this in solitude because the one person who knew the real me is no longer here to help me escape or to watch me transform to my true self. The dog listens, but it’s just not the same.
Anna, how true your words and thoughts are. It’s like I have two faces sometimes – the one I show to the world and the one I reserve for myself when I am alone. I don’t mean that when I am alone I spend my time wallowing in self pity or crying all the time. I just mean that being alone and in my own little world is the way I recuperate from daily life and working very hard to put on a happy face. Like you, I , by no means feel that daily life is an act but there are times when I am in the middle of a social gathering or the like and listening to everyone chattering happily that I think ” You all will go home to your lives as couples or families in a busy household while I will be going home to an empty house.’ I try to put these thoughts out of my mind quickly but they do creep into my head often. Anyway, in summary, my own little world is where I can recuperate, be myself, and get ready for my next encounter with the outside world. Sometimes it just feels good to be alone with your thoughts doesn’t it? Once again, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and now I find out that both you and Deb are right there with me. It feels good to know that I am reacting normally. Thanks again for that.
Oh Anna…EXACTLY, we all (I think) find ourselves “faking it” to a certain extent in the real world and we must have our own little kingdom to drop the facade and let the real show, the entire beauty or ugly or whatever it is. I know in the future I will someday not do any faking but at this stage, only 18 months out and in a strange “new” place it is how I must present myself on many occassions in order to make a life. I am fortunate that I have already met many women who I can totally be myself with but never do I really want to show the doom and gloom that still can stop my breathe somedays..do you know what I mean? Is this the concept you were meaning?
Deb