Your child has autism, or ADHD (or one of the diagnoses on a certain sensationalistic “awareness” campaign).
And then you start to notice some things about yourself—-
Tomorrow’s New York Times looks at some parents (including my friend Phil Schwarz) who have come to understand more about themselves, as a result of their child’s diagnosis.
Researchers have long known that many psychiatric disorders and developmental problems run in families. Children born to parents with bipolar disorder, in which moods cycle between euphoria and depression, run about eight times the normal risk for developing a mood problem. Those born to parents with depression run three times the usual risk. Attention and developmental disorders like autism also have a genetic component.AS more youngsters than ever receive diagnoses of disorders — the number has tripled since the early 1990s, to more than six million — many parents have come to recognize that their own behavior is symptomatic of those disorders, sometimes in a major, but more commonly, in a minor way. In effect, the diagnosis may spread from the child to other family members, forcing each to confront family frustrations and idiosyncrasies that they might prefer to have left unacknowledged.
“It happens very frequently, with all sorts of disorders, from attention-deficit difficulties to mood problems like bipolar disorder,” said Dr. Gregory Fritz, a child psychiatrist and academic director of Bradley Hospital in Providence, R.I., the largest child-psychiatry hospital in the country. “Sometimes it’s a real surprise, because the child is the first one in the family ever to get a thorough evaluation and history. The parents are there, and they begin to see the pattern.”
What do you do when you share your child’s diagnosis?
“I wonder how many people did/do something similar?”
Yet another thing I didn’t realize was unusual!
I’ve been having some hearing problems lately (most likely both migraine aura-related issues and just allergies aggravating my eustachian tubes), so my processing has been worse than ever before. What I have found is that I often do hear what is said to me–even if it feels like I haven’t–but I need the repetition to be able to process it properly. Once I’ve had that, I realize I heard it the first time.
It’s well-established family history that you cannot speak to my mom or me when we are reading, as we won’t hear you. This extends to all language based processing for me: I can speak, sing, listen to music, watch television, read, or write/type. I cannot do two of those at the same time. I often cannot write down what someone is saying, either.
[...] What’s YOUR Diagnosis?Your child has X: Do you have Y (or X………)? [...]
I do the “what?” thing all the time, especially as a kid. I know I have processing issues. I used to hear the question echoing in my head as I was saying “what?” and by the time I finished saying “what?” and the person was half-way repeating himself, I had processed the question and would say the answer– but I was interrupting the person repeating himself and then everyone would be confused. Used to drive my husband nuts because with his ADHD he had to be onto the next part of the question or he would forget where he was going with it and I am still processing what he just said. Now I know when I don’t need to process what he’s saying, so all’s good.
You need to do something when you share your child’s diagnosis?
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I think that about 3/4 to 2/3 of my whole extended family on my mother’s side would easily get a diagnosis on the spectrum if they ever went in for one.
I suspect it makes it a lot easier to raise your children if they’re just like you when you were little (and still now too).
Of course, with none of them ever having a diagnosis (apart from eccentric, weird, agoraphobic, stupid, shy, geeks, nerds, or lazy), none ever had any treatments either. And all of them grew up, developed, found partners, and had kids! *shock* *horror* (with a lifetime of happily devouring gluten and yeast!
Skov, I’ll remember your “what” trick.
In retrospect, I had to do a lot of compensation as I grew up, especially in high school. I was always confused but managed to keep it inside my own head as I slowly learned how to act around other people. I probably could have been disgnosed with Aspergers.
My son was diagnosed moderate on the autism spectrum. He needed his diagnosis to help him make his way/be supported in school. I don’t know if life would have been different for me if I had a category in which to place myself when I was growing up. It certainly wasn’t a bad life.
Here’s a little trick I did as a kid. Whenever anyone started a conversation with me, even just a simple comment (“Bring in the groceries”), i would always say “What?” Drove people nuts. My parents had my hearing checked frequently. What I was too embarrassed to explain to them was that I actually had heard them, but I needed more time to process what they were saying. I never listened when they repeated themselves, but it gave me the time to figure out a response to the first statement.
Now I find that when talking to my son, if I wait about twice as long as I think I should, he sometimes responds to the question in some way.
I wonder how many people did/do something similar?
“feels very socially awkward (although he does not come off that way)”
Oh, man, does THAT ring a bell! I’m told I’m the perfect diplomat–helpful, since I want to go into diplomacy–but I feel incredibly socially awkward and would rather just read a book.
I’ve commented along such lines before, but the more I learn about autism, the more I question if I fall onto the spectrum somehow. My cousin has pretty severe ADHD, and, I suspect, could do with an ASD diagnosis as well. My mother tends towards bipolar, though not really enough for a dx.
I was dxed at 16 with anxiety and depression; I had major panic attacks and pacicked over those to the point of driving myself depressed. I have always been extremely anxious, and continue to be, though I’m no longer under the dx. I rock, especially while studying. I repeat my end of conversations to myself after they happen, and read some words compulsively aloud. I certainly fit the fixed interests stereotype–and autism is one of those interests.
I used to worry a lot about the possibility of a child with a mental disability. My girlfriend has CP, so I felt confident we could handle a physical disability–she knows what it’s like to be a child going in for corrective surgeries and endless pain and the social stigma of not looking quite normal. I was terrified of a mental disability, though, which led to an interest in autism. The more I learn, the less scary it seems. Difficult, yes, but no longer scary or bad. I think part of that is because I see a lot of myself in autists, but whatever the reason, I am profoundly greatful. My girlfriend has some traits, as well, so it doesn’t matter which of us gets pregnant and carries the child: we have at least a small likelihood of a dx of something in the future for our future kid(s). And I think I’m finally okay with that.
I have hyperlexia, my mom has hyperlexia, and my son has hyperlexia. My son is the only one with an official diagnosis of an ASD. If I had to guess, I would say my mom might be diagnosable but that I wouldn’t quite meet the criteria. (Of course, one of the symptoms might be my inability to recognize my symptoms!)
To add to the chorus: I was diagnosed with AS in Feb, at age 28, and have since figured out a lot of things about myself. (Perhaps there’s a bit of ADHD too, I was always a bit hyper.) But I was shocked to basically be the first one in my family to figure out who else in my family has sprinkles of ASD. I don’t know why, but I’m always shocked at how really messed up the rest of society is. I don’t know if there’s a diagnosis for that, or if it’s just ego.
@Skov, thanks for sharing that about your cousin—I’ve been reevaluating the “oddness” (so to speak) of various of my own relatives in light of Charlie.
My husband and I figured a child of ours would have “something”—-I do see a lot of both of us in Charlie.
@Sarah
Even thinking that someone might suggest that you not have kids because of a diagnosis or label…oooh, it makes my blood boil.
One somewhat related issue that I’ve considered is, what happens when people who’ve been diagnosed as children grow up and want to have their own kids? I’m still too young to be thinking seriously about that, but as I and my current partner both have AS diagnoses, I hope that we won’t be looked down upon for reproducing when we know we have autism spectrum genes. Eugenics is a scary thing.
So glad to hear others with the same experience. As I grow to understand more and more how my son operates, I find more and more that I can relate. Certainly not as intense, but I have a good sense of when he’s reaching the saturation point on over stimulation, because chances are, I’m not too far behind him.
I also watch other members of my family and see signs that maybe Cousin Patrick isn’t just an unfriendly kid, but perhaps it’s something more. I’ve found that when I get him one-on-one, I often can encourage some aspects of him that other family members don’t see. His parents are not interested in pursuing the issue, so I hope if there’s at least someone in the family that shows him that he’s not so “weird” or “alien” after all, it might help his self-esteem.