Why Every Married Couple Should Be In Couples Counseling

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My husband and I are in couples counseling. We’ve been married for almost a decade, and have been seeing a therapist together for three of those years. The twist? We don’t hate each other. We don’t fight any more than most couples. And we’re not separated or contemplating divorce. In short, our marriage really isn’t in trouble. So if there’s nothing wrong, why on earth have we been dropping our hard-earned dollars once a week (or sometimes every other week) on a pricey clinical psychologist with a PhD who specializes in solving relationship issues between committed couples? Because our marriage really isn’t in trouble, that’s why. And we’d like to keep it that way.

Most people probably think of couples counseling as a last resort – something you resign (or force) yourself to do with your partner when your relationship is undergoing a major upheaval (infidelity, alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling addiction, death of a child, etc.) — or as a pre-divorce gesture to tie up loose ends because the marriage is on its way out. Not me. I think marriage counseling can be used just as effectively as a preventive measure, or as regular maintenance. You check and change the oil in your car every 3,000 miles, don’t you? Then it makes sense that you’d give the same routine — yet critically important — attention to your relationship to keep it running smoothly. Of course, first you need to be the kind of couple that doesn’t scoff at the merits of therapy — for individuals, couples, families, or whomever.

My husband and I go to couples counseling in order to learn to communicate better about any number of issues. We go because it helps us stay connected. We go because we hope to avoid ever taking each other for granted. But most importantly, we go because we want to have the healthiest, happiest relationship possible for as long as possible. Was there a specific reason for which we sought couples therapy in the first place? Yes, of course. (I’d like to think that my partner and I are so supremely self-aware that we sought out preventative emotional therapy as soon as we returned from our honeymoon, but we aren’t — and we didn’t.) However, we worked out that initial issue in therapy, and we stayed because we liked what therapy was doing for our relationship.

For us, couples counseling isn’t about yelling or fighting or blaming the other person or lashing out. We like our therapist and look forward to going to therapy. We sit next to each other on the couch, or we each take different couches. Sometimes we hold hands; sometimes we don’t. Either way is fine. During some sessions, we run out of time because we have so much to cover, while during others our doctor has to ask us what we’d like to discuss. We often have spirited debates (moderated by our trusted therapist), but we’re respectful, and we listen — even if we don’t particularly like what the other person is trying to say.

Neither of us sees an individual therapist (although we both have in the past), which is one reason why I think we find couples counseling so helpful and rewarding. Of course, a relationship therapist needs to be really good at what he or she does. (A bad therapist is terrible for your health.) If your counselor knows what he/she is doing, they’ll understand from week to week when one partner needs more attention than the other, and when you both need to dive into the issues at the same time. And luckily for us, we never feel like our therapist takes sides; she seems to understand (and challenge) us both equally.

In fact, here’s what our therapist has to say on the subject of reasons to seek marriage counseling:

I would say that the majority of couples I see come in because they’re struggling with issues in their relationship.  However, there are couples who seek counseling because they want to improve certain aspects of their relationship that are not necessarily troubled, but could use improvement, such as communicating about feelings, or wanting a better sex life, or having a forum to discuss issues that are emotionally charged — like religious differences, or potential conflicts regarding child-rearing, etc.

See? I told you so.

Back at home, my husband and I try to apply what we learn in therapy, and are fairly successful. But it never really seems like a chore. Our listening skills have improved. We’re more patient with one another. We try to assume the best about each other, not the worst. And while we take couples counseling seriously (it is $175 bucks a session, after all), we never take ourselves too seriously. We joke about “the third thing,” which is how our therapist refers to a relationship. In other words, there are two partners, and a third thing — the relationship or marriage — which always requires work. So we ask the third thing what it wants for dinner, how its day was, and what it wants to do this weekend. Sometimes we even say goodnight to the third thing. (Hilarious!)

Of course, I realize that not all couples are able to afford the financial burden the couples counseling can create. (Though many medical insurance plans include a mental health benefits package that covers some of the cost.) I also know that, no matter what I say or think, couples counseling simply won’t work for everyone. Aside from the financial issue, both parties need to be willing to commit to seeing a therapist, and need to understand the specific reasons why they’re seeing one in the first place. (One partner forcibly dragging the other to couples counseling is rarely a good harbinger of things to come.)

I’m very lucky. When it comes to couples therapy, my husband and I are in sync. (Which is probably why we’re still married.) We know when we need to see our therapist, and when we can afford to take a few weeks off. Sure, a relationship takes work, but just like your day job, you’re allowed (and encouraged) to take a vacation from it once in a while. Eventually, I assume we’ll decide to stop going permanently. Or maybe not.

Funny thing: As far as I know, no one in our lives (family, friends, colleagues) is aware that my husband and I have been in couples counseling for three years. Are we chickens for not telling them, and explaining our reasons? Probably. But because of the societal stigma attached to couples therapy (Oh my God…poor things. They’re totally getting divorced!), chances are that most people would jump to the wrong conclusions anyway. And quite frankly, it’s none of anyone else’s business how my husband and I choose to take care of our relationship — just as long as we do it.