Best and Worst Moments From a SAHD

I have been asking other Stay at Home Dads what their best and worst moments are. We first heard from Dennis and Chris. Today we get to hear from Louis…

I started this SAHD thing involuntarily two weeks before the first was born. Up until then I’d been a rising star in the profession, had already presented in Washington not three years after graduating, had brought two companies around from a dismal and moribund state and made the who’s who three years consecutively. Unfortunately when ones head is above the radar in the corporate grind it tends to be a target and it was a skill around which I’d not learned to negotiate. So I went in to the SAHD thing with a less than stellar attitude. Not only had I taken a severe blow to the gut professionally but winter was around the corner, our marriage was still in an infancy stage and I was indeed, frightened at the prospect of not fulfilling that ‘masculine’ obligation of battling with dragons while the wife arranged our home life the way she saw best. In many ways I felt that I’d failed.

It took nearly a year to adapt, fighting with those inner demons, a screaming and constantly demanding infant and seeing my wife coming home tired after a rough day. The situation was exacerbated by my wife’s own issues with post partum depression and a hostile, implacable work environment gunning for her own dismissal. I had practically sunk the country in resumes had gone on a few interviews but couldn’t somehow wrestle life back to the June Cleaver status quo. Fate smiles on some folks in that they’re able to pull that stunt and life returns to their definition of normalcy. Wasn’t happening here, I was in a technically complex profession that refused to allow a transition between industries and mine was few and far in-between.

At some point I stopped fighting the course of life and allowed it to proceed naturally with a little governance here and there. Wife eventually switched companies and switched again and, better yet, outgrew her depression. I say this last part with a fair amount of certainty as she’s currently facing similar situations but is able to come home and laugh. Though at the beginning I went about the task of caregiver as a duty and an obligation with my son never lacking for warmth, love and attention, the core of my soul was elsewhere. When stopped resisting, I began to notice how beautiful my child was and it was somewhere around then that my soul became his for the taking. I also found a sort of religious order. A group of fellow believers in the importance of being a SAHD and, in addition, discovered a local chapter that hung out every Thursday at the playground. Someone likened the Dadstayshome.com website to a group of guys hanging out at the local bar, ribbing, joking and talking guy stuff with a rare occasional gem of parenting. But wherein this lies a problem? It’s a tough psychological adaptation to be the primary caregiver, with almost all of us facing derision and discrimination for not being St. George. It’s nice to have something to remind us that we’re still guys.

What’s odd looking back, and somewhat warming to think, is that we’re never as mature as we imagine ourselves to be. It’s a constant learning process and to say we learn quickly is a relative term. How can one say they’ve mastered this aspect when we’ve no idea what’s the pinnacle of the subject is? Am I half way, just a fraction or do I know this enough now, to be considered competent? At the beginning of this life changing event, I thought I knew everything there was to know about being a husband and father and life took a vicious hook. It was this false concept of competency that was the pebble in my shoe. We’re to be blessed with another incredible child in January; a daughter to turn daddy into a loopy and obedient hound. As the mind is such an expansive entity with a tremendous capacity for learning, so too, I perceive is the soul. And, though my son may have revitalizing governance over it, there’s room enough for my daughter. I may not be the who’s who of parenting but I know now, that I’m ready to learn.