Blending families

Looking over the dating sites, I always lean towards the guys who identify themselves as fathers. I try to read between the lines… is this one eating a baguette and a glass of wine for dinner because he’s a hopeless romantic or a lazy, lousy cook? Is this one looking for a soul mate or a replacement for what he lost in his divorce? Is he really over her? Are his kids nice, or spoiled?

But when it comes right down to it, after a thousand first dates with various fathers, divorcés, and men who never married, I can tell you it’s difficult to find someone who will fit in with your little family. How, then, does it work when you’re trying to fit in with theirs, as well? How, indeed?

Well, I suppose you start with a laundry list of deal breakers and negotiable items. Financial security? Plays a sport? Tolerates tea parties on infinitely small chairs? Has patience? Compassion? Is he a workaholic, or can he take the afternoon off every once in a while for an impromtu romp through the Zoo? Is he good with money, takes out the trash? Does your perfect mate have to be tall, or short, or have a certain color hair?

As you move through the dating pool, pay close attention to how your prospective dates describe themselves. Are they ready for a life of jet-setting around the world? Then that person might not be ready for a kid, either. Does he talk alot about himself–or about the ex? Listen to your inner voice, is there anything that’s setting off warning bells?

I dated one man who went on so long about how he hated narcissists that I suddenly had to wonder what was going on with him, really… was he a narcissist, really? In some ways, he must have been. I dated a man who was so antisocial, I couldn’t imagine spending a life with him and my extroverted son under the same roof. Had a funny first and last date with a guy who couldn’t stop telling me about how wonderful he was, and how women kept trying to pick him up. Well, then, good on ya, I thought. He’s a balding, nearly fifty year old playah, yo. One first date confessed he liked to wear ladies’ underclothes. Glad that one was a lunch date, so I didn’t have to navigate my way into a cab in the dark. One first date was about a foot shorter than his profile stated; another man was a good ten years older than the number he’d published on line. In the months and months that I’ve been dating as a single mother, not one decent candidate presented himself. Once, I found myself on a third date with an intelligent boor when it hit me, I was dating him for my ex, because the guy was half French. That was our last date, and the last time I tried to go out with someone solely because I thought he’d be good for my son–or my ex, for that matter.

So who am I looking for?

Well, it might be cliché, but I really am looking for someone who can make me laugh and take myself less seriously. I’m looking for someone who makes the drudgery of the everyday into a sort of dance. Someone who can play with my son and bring joy into my life, too. A man who can be a mentor and an example of what it truly means to be a man in this world, some blend of old-fashioned manners and morals with a cutting-edge mind. Someone I can dance with. Someone who adores me, even when I can’t like myself. Someone my son can adore, without trying to replace or cut out his biological father. Someone who has children, himself, so we can have the family my son should have been born to, loud and lively and full of comraderie. Someone who can make me dream again, and help me realize them. Someone who inspires me to be better than I am, more honest, more kind, more generous. I don’t ever want to be stuck in a relationship again that asks me to lie, or become someone I am not.

There. Now I’ve lost the attention of the last single mother by choice who reads this blog. But I promise, I’ll write up some of my crazier dating adventures sooner rather than later, just to make you all giggle. But I wonder, how do you blend two families together? How do you make love stay… for all of you? I know so many of us have decided to remain single mothers because in so many ways, it’s easier. You don’t have to defer to anyone else’s schedule, rules, or realities. You are just you and your kids, and it is easier. Oh how it’s easier. But in many ways, it’s lonlier. If you can find the partner you truly need, I say, why not?

And find out what you’re truly set on, and what’s negotiable. Sometimes, the answer to that will surprise you.

(image by me…)