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Every year, I visit Planned Parenthood for my annual exam. And every year, when faced with the cost of another year of birth control, I ask the doctor, instead: how much would be be to have a tubal ligation?
And every year, the OB/GYN tells me that it doesn’t matter, because she won’t do it for me. Because it is irreversible, and because I am too young to make that decision. And I’m not the only one. But am I?
Usually, my doctor will select an arbitrary-ish number, which seems to be creeping up as I get older. At 21, she told me I’d have to be at least 25. At 22, she told me I’d have to be 27. Now, at 24, the answer is “at least 30.” Because she wants to make sure I won’t regret the decision.
Which sounds caring and cautious–but is, in fact, misguided. Relatively few women do regret opting into sterilization. In a study from 2002 (which is old, I know, but the numbers still stand), only around 7% of women reported feeling regret at their decision. But it’s not about numbers. Unless the number, it seems, is age.
And for the record, federal law states that you have to be 18. That’s about all. Other clinics and organizations, as well as states, however, set their own rules.
Being a biological parent will, I believe, never be the right decision for me. And it’s not because I don’t like children, or because I am selfish, or because of what any study about the happiness of non-parents says. It is because I genuinely do not want to bring a child of my own into the world. And yet, every single person I tell reassures me: “You’ll change your mind eventually.”
I don’t believe that I will.
Which is not to say that I haven’t considered adoption and fostering–I have, and I am comfortable in saying that, should the time come when my hormones kick in and I’m overwhelmed with the urge to nurture, that that will be enough for me. Because I think nurturing and learning from what raising a child–any child–has to teach will be fullfilling enough. I’m not anti-parenting. I just don’t want to have a child of my own. Not now, and not, I don’t think, ever.
For me, the most fundamental aspects of parenting are the ones that help shape a child into a functional, intelligent, well-adjusted, confident adult. That is the nurturing that I’d like to do–and I don’t believe I need my own biological child to do it.
Even still, I am positive that there are readers who will finish this article and, despite my reasons, decide that I am too young. And they will not be in the minority.
Articles like this one are always touchy, because there are plenty of people out there who feel completed by biological parenthood. Doubtlessly, there will be readers who feel that my decision is sad, pathetic, stupid, rash, inconsiderate, and selfish–just as many times when I tell someone I’m not having children, they have these feelings.
Which is fine. It’s something I’ve gotten used to, and I understand that my desire not to have children makes me an outlier. I know that by writing about this personal choice, I am setting myself up as a target. There are a lot of angry, derisive childfree folks out there, who are angry because, time and again, their choice has been labeled “selfish” or “unnatural” or “pathetic.” I don’t want to be one of them.
I also understand that parents who feel that their lives have been exponentially improved by the birth of their children are concerned that my life will never be improved in the same way.
But I want to assure everyone–I lead a very fulfilling life. I have the career I have always wanted. I have a dog that I care deeply for (and who, while not as much of a responsibility as a child, is still more of a responsibility than many of my childless peers have), and a partner whom I love. And who has considered getting a vasectomy because, it will be easier, less expensive, less risky, and less prone to judgement for him to make this decision, than it would be for me to have a tubal ligation.
But regardless, there will always be someone who tells me I’m too young to choose not to have a child, and to take a decisive step toward making it a reality.
FOLLOW-UP: I Don’t Want Kids, And Neither Do Most Of The Commenters Below
Image: 3DDock / Shutterstock
There is no such thing as ‘too young’ as long as the person is being completely honest with themself. You are born wanting children or not wanting children and as long as you can be sure you’re not lying to yourself or being swayed by the mucho social indoctrination then you know whether or not you want kids and that won’t change. The ‘biological clock’ doesn’t exist.
As for people saying things like “go to a different doctor” I think they fail to understand how difficult it is to find ANY doctor that will sterilise you when you are still young enough to conceive!
The very sad thing is that it is wannabe parents that should be having their motives questioned and their ability to know their own mind questioned, goodness knows enough of them are crap at their job that THEY should be made to think twice!
I think this all boils down to the fact that, as a society, we do not believe for even a moment that women are capable of making decisions about their own bodies. We cannot conceive (pun intended!) of woman deciding, completely by her own volition, to do something outside of the norm. So, doctors, family members, random jackasses on the internet, all chime in to tell her how silly and dumb she is and that she’ll fall into line eventually like a good little girl. People get mad about the idea of a voluntarily-childless woman because we know that we own her and her body, and that her decision to do something different is threatening.
Also, where are the doctors, family members, and nosy strangers telling women who want to get pregnant how permanent, life-altering, and highly-regrettable the experience can be? Where is the advice to think seriously and hard about whether it is wise to be bringing another being into the world? Where are the relatives saying “You know, you might change your mind down the road. Don’t do something you’ll regret.” for those women?
Simple. If you are too young to choose not to have a child, you are too young to choose to have one. Having a child is just as irreversable as a tubal – if you decide it was a mistake, it is not like you can just stuff it back where it came from!
How much does one year of birth control cost? Why isn’t it free to anyone who wants it? That’s what I want my taxes to go for!
My homegirl likes to say, this is not a bakery. I’m not trying to do the honors or anything, but I counter, why waste your DNA?
Do what you feel.
I had the same experience when I was 25 and my doctor lectured me on and on about how much I would regret my decision and that I will change my mind. A year and a half later I was pregnant (while practicing safe b/c suggested by my doctor) and had an abortion. I wish I had a doctor with my insurance who would listen to what I actually want for my own body. Kids may be amazing, but I have young (18+ yr) sibling with a disability who claims that place of my heart.
I knew since I was a child that I never wanted kids, EVER. I remember telling family and friends at a very young age that I never wanted children and was laughed at and told I would change my mind. Here I am 36 been married 18 years, we both knew what we did and didn’t want in life and it’s working out for us. I will never change my mind.
I see so many of my old friends totally 100% miserable AFTER having kids and I think more women need to take the time to THINK long and hard before having kids. People just think: “Well now I got married, now I should have kids”, without actually making it a choice, they might feel like that’s what is expected of them. Now those same women are jealous of the fact that I don’t share their “burden.” It’s all about choices, don’t hate me because I thought mine more threw than yours.
I had mine done when I was going on 22. I was shocked that I wasn’t hassled about my choice, as I’d heard horror stories such as yours (“You’ve gotta be married, over 35, and have at least 6 kids already!” was the typical story I’d hear from my gal pals).
And I had it done a long time ago: I am 58 now.
I have to say that getting a tubal is probably the ONLY life decision that I’ve made about which I continue to have absolutely NO second thoughts. I’d even go so far as to state that it’s the ONLY truly intelligent decision that I’ve made in my life.
I had mine done at Kaiser Permanente. I don’t know whether or not they’ve changed their policies since back in that day…
BTW, I had a feeling that the OB/GYN with whom I’d consulted secretly didn’t want to do the operation on me, because when I showed up for the appointment, a resident popped up and said that he’d be doing the surgery, if it were OK with me, as my doc was not available. I mention that only because lots of folks (mostly Fundamentalist Christians) feel that medical personnel and pharmacy workers should have a right to refuse to participate in “enabling” their clients’ “objectionable” choices. I have very mixed feelings about that. If there is another worker available to step in when someone is morally-conflicted, then there’s no harm done. But I also tend to feel that if a job requirement might occasionally call for one to participate in acts that one feels are “immoral,” then choosing a different profession might be a better course of action!
Thank you for this article. I too, have decided not to have children of my own. I am 36 years old, and have also known since I was a teenager, that kids were not for me. I love kids. I am the best Aunt in the world, and I wouldn’t have any other way.
My husband and I are happily child free, and have been for the past 12 years. Like you, everyone kept telling me, “you’ll change your mind” and “nothing can complete your life like the love of a child”. Talk about selfish. If you are looking for anyone to complete your life, be it a man, woman, or child, *you* are acting out of selfishness.
I get that a lot of parents are totally happy they made the decision to have children. Kudos to them. As we know, if we allow ourselves to think it, not all parents are happy with their choice to have children. What a rotten life that must be for them, *and* their kids.
It took our families many years to understand our decision, but fortunately they finally did. But friend’s, and a lot of folks we hardly know, they are more difficult.
No matter what our reasons are, and how many times we say them (1. we love our life the way it is, with just us, 2. we can pick up and go anywhere, anytime on a moment’s notice, 3. we have all the love between us we could ever need, 4. (maybe one of the most important) the world is overpopulated enough….and on, and on, and on. You do not have to like our reasons, or even agree with them, but they are our reasons and not up to your judgement).
What is truly amazing to us though, is the reaction that it must be *his* choice not to have children, because a woman can’t possibly feel that way. Most folks are floored to find out that I want kids even less than my husband does (not that he wants them by any stretch…but if I did, he would be fine with it). When new folks find this out, I get “the eye” from them. Suddenly, there is something wrong with me. I must not be right in the head, I am not normal. Like, it would have been ok if it was purely my husband’s choice, they could say “Oh you poor thing”. That they could understand.
Fortunately for us, I never had to fight with a doctor to get a tubal ligation. My husband got a vasectomy instead. It made more sense, as it was a small “procedure” as opposed to an actual surgery that I would have had to undergo. It just made more sense.
I too know that if we ever change our minds (which is not going to happen), we can adopt. Plenty of great children need great homes. In the mean time, we will have to “settle” on being the best Aunt and Uncle to all of our wonderful nieces and nephews, and keep living our wonderful life together. A life we chose, and continue to choose every day.
I both support your decision to be child-free (as if you need support) and, more to your point, affirm that you do not need a child to live a full, happy life. But…
I used to think that the expression “nothing completes you like having a child” was as rude and silly as you describe. Now that I have a child, I understand what that means.
It doesn’t mean that we have a child-shaped hole in our souls waiting to be completed. It means that we were children: we were, for better or worse, “raised.” Being on the other side of that equation – experiencing closely and intimately the process by which we became who we are (and changing it, of course) completes our understanding of who we are, and it also “closes the circle”from the child-who-was-parented to the parent-of-a-child. The insights into our selves, our relations with others, and our values – especially our values – which emerge from the process of parenting are much more concrete: as a non-parent adult, my values were, most of the time, mere opinions. Now, they create a world (both in their successes and their failures.)
@Lemmy C.
I understand what you are trying to say, and can appreciate it, as it comes from someone who now, has children.
The “nothing completes you like having a child” comment is rude. Whether you now understand it or not, does not make it less rude. It is essentially telling someone they are making the wrong choice. I understand what you are saying, and maybe I am picking nits, but the comment, to me, is incredibly rude. Someone is essentially telling me my life is incomplete, when in fact it is not.
You said, “The insights into our selves, our relations with others, and our values – especially our values – which emerge from the process of parenting are much more concrete: as a non-parent adult, my values were, most of the time, mere opinions. Now, they create a world (both in their successes and their failures.)”
Your insights, relations with others, and values may have been mere opinions or less concrete, because you changed your mind and are now looking at them with the eyes of a current parent. Your values may be more concrete because you went through the process of parenting, but it is not something anyone can say I or other childfree adults lack because we are not a parent. We, as childfree adults, can still help to shape the world. We are involved deeply in the lives of our nieces and nephews, as well as plenty of other children, born to our friends.
We have a small business, and have had several groups of children come through. We like to think we say something every time that will stick with them. Because that is our goal. To help create a better world for the next generations, even if we are not going to participate in adding more people to those generations.
In the end, I think my point is that *your* life was more complete because of a child. You fulfilled the “circle of life” so to speak. What I am trying to say (maybe not using the best words to do so), is that I am no less of a complete person, with complete values, complete insights, and complete relations with others, than you or anyone else because I chose not to have children.
You chose to be a parent, and thankfully it worked out and you are happy with that decision. I chose not to, and thankfully it worked out and I am happy with that decision.
One does not have to raise a child to complete the circle of which you speak.
ps – thank you for taking the time to give me your opinions :-)
I have known I do not want children my entire life (currently 35). My husband and I looked into tubal ligation for me. True to your post, I met with resistance from my gyn. What really pushed us toward the vasectomy is how much more invasive tubal ligation is compared to a vasectomy. My husband and I went to couples counseling regarding the choice of procreating and we are on the same page. We decided to freeze some of his sperm and that he would have a vasectomy. I highly doubt we will change our minds, but the sperm is there as an insurance policy. Also in case, gods forbid, we get divorced or I pass away he would then have the option to have biological children with a future partner if they wanted to.
I’m 26 and I’ve known for as long as I can remember that I never want kids. I’ve been waiting for years for this so-called biological clock to kick in, as I’ve repeatedly been told it will. Yet I still haven’t experienced a shred of desire to have children. I’m the sort of person who likes to keep her options open, so personally I wouldn’t opt for tubal ligation, but I fully understand and support your choice (or rather, your wish, since apparently it’s not your choice).
I don’t see how this is any different from other reproductive rights like abortion and birth control. It’s a matter of the right to control what happens to your reproductive organs. And what you’re getting from your doctor is not just “reasonable concern” as Suzy calls it, since the doctor isn’t just making sure that you’ve thought it through (which you clearly have): she flat-out refuses to perform the procedure.
As for everyone who believes they know you better than you know yourself: People shouldn’t generalize from their own experience of changing their mind about wanting kids, nor should they condescend to tell you what to do with your body.
Some women don’t want kids. Get over it, people.
Why do you insist a doctor do what he/she doesn’t want to do? Go find another doctor and get on with your narcissistic life.
J. My niece is a lesbian. She met her cousins new baby last Christmas and was enthralled. No baby had ever touched her before. Now she is thinking about motherhood. She’s in her mid 30′s. Her parents would love a grandchild. You just never know where or when or what circumstance will hit you and change your mind. Hope you don’t have to regret a decission you made earlier. Myself I only wanted one child. I had one. Now he’s in hias 40′s I truly regret not giving him a sibling to be close with. I regret not having at least 2 children. Good luck with your life’s choices.
I’m 26 and also have never wanted kids, and can’t imagine choosing to have any in the future. I wan’t going to respond to posts and was just going to write my own, but I felt as though you were being attacked and wanted to let you know you are not alone at all.
I agree with everything that you wrote. It’s a choice to have children.
It’s not just Planned Parenthood that won’t do it. I wanted mine done when I divorced my first husband at 30 years old. My doctor would not do it. I had a primary care physician at the time with my coverage through my employer. I KNEW I didn’t want kids and wasn’t about to change my mind. 13 years later I still don’t want kids but haven’t explored the option of having surgery in about 10 years.
The reality is, it is a Planned Parenthood Doctor, they make the big bucks from the abortions they provide. By her own admission she doesn’t want kids, so she becomes a perfect candidate for an accidental pregnancy resulting in an abortion. It’s not rocket science why they won’t shut down her baby making machine. There is no money in pregnancy prevention, and life doesn’t matter to the baby suckers of Planned Parenthood.
@Joe – some proof of your “big bucks” assertion?
Nor is it rocket science to see that these docs do it for the thrill of a high risk lifestyle: the opportunity to be murdered, assaulted, kidnapped, bombed, and subject to bioterror (anthrax, etc…) and arson. I can just imagine all those medical school students thinking to themselves: “Oh yeah! Here’s the road to the really big bucks. Forget about dermatology, I’m buying my bullet proof vest today and signing up for the good shit!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-abortion_violence
Only 3% of what PP does is abortions. So obviously, Joe, you’re just a moron
I am sympathetic to your decision not to have biological children; I am an adoptive parent and can assure you that you have excellent options later on in life.
The only part of your argument which raises some concern is your opening paragraph where you state the sole reason for choosing this specific method of preventing pregnancy: money!
“And every year, when faced with the cost of another year of birth control, I ask the doctor, instead: how much would be be to have a tubal ligation?”
Justifying such an important decision solely on the basis of a cost trade-off triggers a bit of a warning bell. At Planned Parenthood prices, a tubal ligation is worth about a 10 year supply of birth control pills. Assuming you’ve potentially got another 25 fertile years, the present value of all those future pill payments becomes almost equivalent to the cost of today’s tubal ligation (the concept that interest rates always make it preferable to spend a dollar 20 years from now than a dollar today.)
There are risks and complications both with the pill or a tubal, and that might also influence your decision, but your argument doesn’t touch on these issues. By your own admission, your choice of birth control method is solely driven by your perception of cost. As admirable as the remainder of your impassioned post is, the initial premise disarms much of that passion.
I don’t mean to sound disrespectful or anything… but it seems kinda young to me as well (not that my opinion is that relevant). A couple of observations…
1. The study you quote is only part of the data. The study didn’t include those who sought sterilization and ended up NOT having it… who turned out to be very glad they didn’t. The 7% tells only part of the story. It should also be an age adjusted study. I’m guessing the ‘regret’ rates were directly related to the age at which they had the surgery (younger women probably had a higher rate or regrets). Just hypothesizing a bit.
2. Again, I can’t say for sure, but I’d bet a paycheck that those who are suggesting you wait are generally a bit older than you. Why? Probably because they have lived through the changes of those years and have a pretty decent perspective on what it’s like on the other side of the decate.
I’m not suggesting you are wrong or right. Yes, it’s your body. And you may never change your mind. But there is value in listening to the counsel of others. Particular those who ‘are’ where we will be in a few years (our elders).
The other thought is that I believe folks are offering their caution out of a sense of wanting the best for you. It might not actually ‘be’ the best… but I believe their intentions are sincere. And it seems like you have taken them in the spirit intended. It’s nice to see a ‘respectful’ disagreement (although not all of those commenting have been particularly respectful).
Ultimately, it’s your call. And I’m sure there are those who would do the surgery for you. But find a GOOD one or you very well may have serious regrets!
Have a GREAT life (either way).
Red vs. Blue said it best. The best reason not to do something this permanent is as follows: You are a fucking idiot and this can be proven mathematically. Take your current age, subtract 10 years. Did you know anything about what you wanted in life back then? No, of course not, you were a fucking idiot! Now look ten years to the future.
i think your comment is extremely rude. what’s so idiotic about her choice ? the fact that she’ll never have to deal with the physical and emotional stress of parenthood? not to mention all experience the joy of spending thousands, upon thousands of dollars on stuff like daycare,school supplies, medical care of your child and so on. yeah, your right. she’s a fucking idiot.
Knowing you don’t want children and making the effort to make sure you don’t have children is not selfish at all. I wish more people made the effort to not reproduce… I am certainly not EVER planning on having kids, which is a good thing, I’m a great uncle but would be a horrible father.
I knew from about 8 or 9 years old that I didn’t want kids, and that feeling never wavered. I always got gratification taking care of all the little kids in my life, and I have been a mentor to a young person for many years which is hugely rewarding. I am an “aunt” to my friends kids and I love that too. I wanted to get sterilized for a very long time, especially after every boyfriend I’ve had refused to get a vasectomy. I couldn’t afford it, but I finally got my state to pay for it (at age 31) since I’m unemployed. My friends were the only ones that really gave me grief about it when I discussed it, but the medical professionals and my family were all really supportive. Eventually my friends came around too since they saw how badly I wanted it. I am so grateful to be in charge of my own body! With abortion and sterilization I’ve never had any regrets.
I dislike this comment totally, i do not see abortion as taking control of your body. It is a matter which should not be treated lightly. Abortion is not birth control for those who are just having sex and do not want the consequences. It was crass to expect previous partners to have a vasectomy to prevent pregnancy. To be in charge of your own body means not taking the risk of getting pregnant. You seem totally selfish and very flippant in your ways, i am glad you will not become a mother.
I knew I didn’t want children by the age of 10. I’m 57, married 26 years and have had no children. Fortunately, a rapist infected me with an STD at the age of 13 that, due to lack of preventive treatment in the hospital where I was taken, left me blessedly infertile.. I have absolutely no regrets. It is total arrogance when people insist that “you’ll change your mind”. Doctors need to listen to their women patients who want tubal ligations and do it. I for one, am sick to death of the cult of immaculate motherhood and the idea that all women secretly want children — look at the numbers of women in prison for abusing or killing their children! Their numbers are NOT going down. They’re going up!
This is exactly what I try to point out to people. Not all women who are mothers want to be mothers–shouldn’t you let the women who know they don’t want children make that decision for themselves? Think of how many lives get screwed up when it turns out that motherhood is not as fulfilling as all your friends claim.
I know far too many people who ‘caved’ (society was even worse back then) and had children when they knew they didn’t want them. Thankfully since they are good people they have been good parents and they love their kids, but they still wish they had stood their ground.
It’s disgusting to tell anyone “you’ll change your mind” especially when it is never said to people who are trying to conceive. If we can change our minds then of course they can change theirs. And the latter would pose a far bigger problem and harm children!
Where I live sterilisation is done on the NHS at your average hospital (not at abortion clinics or anything like that) and yes I am well aware of how much money the taxpayer will save if the NHS agree to sterilise me instead of forcing me to go another 2 decades on the pill (my only option). The fact that the NHS will not choose to save that money because their complete strangers apparently know my mind better than I do (!!!!!) is disgusting.
I’m very sorry that you suffered from rape and disease, but very very happy for you that these terrible things ultimately gave you the infertility you had always desired. Peace to you.
People who know themselves well enough to choose not to reproduce should be commended. There are too many adults who have children, unconsciously, because it’s the “right thing to do”, when they’re not truly fit or psychologically ready or able to be good parents. The kids suffer, and the parents suffer.
Adults who recognize that the desire to have children does not reside in them should be appreciated, rather than harassed, in my opinion.
As a clinical psychologist, i have worked long term with several women who have been very adamant and conscious about not wanting children. As their work progressed, a couple of these women found that the desire to procreate did develop later on during the course of their treatment. [It is worth noting-- in both cases, these were patients who had not been nurtured enough as children, and who had been given too much responsibility to care for other siblings during their childhoods. As they developed more compassion for their early pain, the interest in having children did evolve. This is not to say that that is the dominant reason for why people choose not to have children-- but it can be one of the reasons.] For both cases, they had not had TL, but it was “too late” for them to get pregnant, secondary to their age. Although they were “early articulators” , they did indeed change their mind. And truthfully, they did agonize about the loss, once the desire developed and could not be fulfilled.
It’s likely that the doctor that refused to do the tubal has had exposure to patients like the ones i reference above. Like the 7% that the studies reference, it is extraordinarily painful to experience this type of regret. But, irrespective of the reason why some adults don’t want children, women should have the right to make this decision, and should be supported when they want to make this decision.
In my practice, i also see patients who had children under the wrong circumstances. Their children have been tremendously impacted, often neglected and/or abused. This is the real “wrong” in our society– wish there would be more focus on getting this population to slow down and think things through, rather than on those who choose to be child-free.