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Last night, America watched known abuser Chris Brown perform at the Grammys and, just like in the real world, no one said a thing about the fact that he once beat Rihanna. And sadly, this is why so many of us are still shocked that one in four women is the victim of domestic violence: When we all choose to ignore it in favor of lighter entertainment, it just keeps happening in silence. Giving Chris Brown a free pass is not only infuriating, it’s also a missed opportunity to talk about domestic violence…and stop it.
Sasha Pasulka at HelloGiggles wrote this amazing article yesterday, which does a great job of summing up why it’s extremely disappointing to see the lack of outrage about Chris Brown’s performance (and career as a whole). She also pretty accurately documented the absence of real consequences–which, I think, is the real thrust. Because from the first day that the images of Rihanna’s brutalized face went public, Hollywood’s elite have acted like domestic violence enabling neighbors and friends across America, shrugging it off and stating that it wasn’t their relationship to comment on, to last night when Brown took to the stage and received applause, we have continued to (sorry to use this turn of phrase) turn the other cheek.
But how can we be that upset about that reaction, when it’s the exact same reaction that many, many people have toward domestic violence and its victims? That reaction is the standard model–and by continuing to let Chris Brown perform, Hollywood and the music industry is upholding the standard.
That is to say, the response by the collective public, by much of the media, and by Hollywood to Chris Brown’s actions toward the woman he was in a relationship with was essentially identical to the reactions of law enforcement officials, community members, relatives, and even friends of domestic violence victims in every corner of the country. Even when it is a known fact that a woman is being bounced off the walls in the privacy of her home, those around her often turn away, unsure how to handle the situation, knowing full well the consequences of intervening. Knowing how hard it will be for the woman in question to escape and start a new life. Isn’t it easier for her to just forgive him?
I’m not sure why anyone expected anything different from Hollywood. It’s just disappointing, and a lost chance to correct centuries of crimes against women–and centuries of people looking away from them and pretending they don’t exist.
When referring Browm isn’t the only one who beat some ass, Hugh Hefner’s son was just arrested on beating a women, throw his fucking picture up there!
He hasnt gotten away with it yet. When he performs at the Grammys, then he can have his turn.
He is doing the most to change his life, onef fucking mistake and you people still can’t get over it, three years ago last week that happened, that is his own personal demon to work with. You people are fucking annoying, damn. When it’s another celebrity who does wrong you pat him on the back when he changes his ways. The media has to much say, I think celebrites should do something were if you want to write about them you get charged maybe that would shut half of you the fuck up!
I will start by saying not only was my mom abused but also my aunt was abused and through their abuse so was I, my brothers ,my sister and my cousins also were abused and left with scars some hidden and unseen even to the abused. What bothers me about articles like this one and various other like it is that. It’s one thing when it’s a family member we know it’s been going on for years but we turn our back on it. We watch the person knowingly get murdered mentally and sometimes physically. Their abuser may go to jail and they may serve their time when they get out and its over (hopefully). We often times never hear from this bad man (or woman) again. This figure I would imagine get a job he may even get a family or a wife maybe he even changes and it never happens he ultimately gets a second chance. Whether her family and friends forgive this individual he gets a second chance. As an abused person so often I thought this was unfair a second chance they don’t deserve such a thing. They are bad. I had to come to grips with the fact that we all deserve second chances for many of the mistakes that we make in life even if we f’ it up. All these individuals want Chris Brown mind you a young man to pay for the crimes of all abusers they want him to be a scapegoat to all the wrong done to women. They are wrong. Yes what he did was wrong and regardless of our feeling about how we think he should have been punished he was punished. That is why we call it an impartial judgment. If it were left to many of you he’d be burned at the stake and dumped in a hole somewhere. His job unlike many abusers is right smack dab in front of the public. That is HIS job. He deserves to make an income. If he f’s up again as so many abuser do go for it call out the war horses to drag him down. Until than shut up and let him have his second chance. You don’t like it fine don’t watch and don’t listen and don’t buy don’t support. It is not right or fair to not offer him a second chance because I am sure you messed up in life. You were given a second chance. This is his. Get over it. If he were an engineer or a cashier and eventually got a job no one would care. It only cause he is famous that people are up in arms.
An individual can commit a crime, be adjudicated and punished, meet all the conditions of probation/parole, be discharged…that isn’t what Ms. Olsen is commenting on. This is about the culture of domestic violence, where “isolated incidents” are the exception rather than the rule, and where the battered is held to be as much or more responsible for the incident than the batterer. Many batterers “groom” their victims for “acceptance” before ever striking a blow, and creating a relationship dynamic where the battered person, who stands there with serious physical injury, says “well, it was my fault, I didn’t do things right.”
Research shows that it takes an average of seven attempts for a battered person to leave an abusive relationship, and the most dangerous time for a person is when they leave that relationship.
An earlier comment mentioned the lack of women in combat roles. That is not a woman’s choice, that is the policy of a military who knows men better than any single organization possibly can, and speaks more to the conduct of men than the conduct of women.
Like another earlier comment, I have seen the immediate aftermath of extreme violence in intimate relationships, including several that have been murder-suicides, or a suicide only simply because the shooter missed the intended victim before self-inflicting. This dynamic is what Ms. Olsen is speaking to, not one immensely funny man who is one of many batterers.
Oh, and someone mentioned Tiger Woods…his wife should have been arrested for her assault on him. Regardless of his conduct within and without his marriage, she beat him pretty badly. No arrest was made because of the culture that says that a man can’t be abused.
Talent is talent. You can hate what he did, but that doesn’t make him any less talented. His criminal record isn’t selling his records. His talent is. If careers were based on moral traits neither Arnold S., Charlie Sheen, David Hasselhoff, or Tyger Woods would have a career… period. But I hear no one complaining about any of them. Most with up coming projects that will pull in money and fans. Why? Because being good at what you do isn’t based on morality it’s based on ability. Hate if you want, but all they have to do is keep winning. You can’t celebrate 2nd place.
“His criminal record isn’t selling his records. His talent is.” Well, that and an entire marketing department.
The largest group supporting abusive men is women, they keep going back for more, so if it’s ok with women i don’t know why we should be upset
Interesting you say this. First, your belief that, apparently, “women” as a gender had some sort of group meeting and decided that they would collectively “support” abusive men speaks to a profound misunderstanding of the way that the abuse cycle perpetuates. Yes, most victims are repeatedly abused, many times over years or decades. Yes, many abused women find themselves in multiple abusive relationships. Yes, much abuse goes unreported, because women just don’t say anything about it.
Funny thing, though: there’s a lot of domestic abuse against MEN, too. They just don’t call the cops very often, because of the social stigma that they “got beat up by a girl.”
Oh, and another funny thing: see, it’s not the physical abuse that keeps the victims around. That’d be pretty nuts, after all: if, out of the blue, a woman’s boyfriend just hauled off and put a boot to her head because she burned the roast, and she just shrugged and said, “Oh, he made a mistake. I’m sure he’ll be fine.”
Abuse is a PATTERN. It’s not a single, isolated act. True, the physical abuse is the most visible. Also true, it can be the most dangerous, because it usually grows worse over time. But it’s not the most DAMAGING. It’s the emotional abuse, the psychological scarring, that goes along with, and invariably predates, the physical component that truly does the damage. It’s the psychological battery, which usually starts very, very subtly, that slowly erodes a victim’s confidence in herself. That gradually isolates her from her support network of friends and family.
That eventually leaves her in a situation in which she is convinced that she has no option BUT to “just sit there and take it.”
You know what happens when a guy spontaneously hits a girl? When he just gets “carried away” and “makes a mistake,” without ANY precursor abuse? The woman calls the cops. Depending on the girl, she might hit him with a baseball bat first, but that’s really beside the point. And then the cops come, and the guy gets dragged away while the girl yells at him and throws his shit into the yard.
You know what happens when a guy hits a girl, after spending years breaking down her self esteem and confidence, and isolating her from her ability to financially care for herself, and working to ensure that she is absolutely dependent on him for effectively everything in her life? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing, because he’s trained her to “just take it.”
And that behavior, that, usually subconscious, mastery of emotional manipulation, is learned behavior. People don’t just spontaneously do that. They do it because they think it’s normal, and it’s okay, and it’s just the way some relationships are.
And they only get to think that because society, even now, even in twenty freaking twelve, STILL doesn’t tell them that it’s not normal, and it’s not the way ANY relationships should be, and it’s for DAMN sure not okay.
So blindly it’s mentioned that she had to share the stage with someone that she has been in contact with after the assault. She communicates with Chris Brown and his mom on twitter , as recently as this year. She’s also cursed her fans out for questioning her for contacting him on twitter. She asked to have the lengthy distance order removed or reduced. It is some of the public, not Rihanna who did not want them in the same room.
As for Chris Brown, what is the proper time for forgiveness and acceptance. After the victim, the true victim Rihanna has shown forgiveness and encouraged acceptance how long do we or the Grammys have to wait to buy a Chris Brown song we like or have him perform. Is four years enough or seven? Should we wait until he’s 30 years old?
How can we measure his amount of responsibility for his actions on February 2009? Are we waiting for him to break down and cry on stage again? Would we prefer that he self medicates with cocaine to distract himself from the guilt? If he attempts suicide would we say “he finally understands what he did was wrong?” or are we just going to say, “how selfish, he can’t deal with some verbal attacks, the coward?”
Because he’s inarticulate in interviews he doesn’t own up to what he’s done? He’s never spoken of the fight inside the car where she herself admitted to attacking him to a point where they both could’ve crashed? He takes all the blame for what he’s done. He pleaded guilty. He accepted his sentence. He’s sung of his mistake, he’s pleaded with the public, his fans and her all the ways he could have. He knows what he did is wrong, he was a child abuse victim no more then 6 years removed from his own abuse. His mother would be abused for not having the right meal prepared and he urinated on himself until he was an older child. He spoke on that long before he became the assaulter.
I think some of you may not live in our world, the real world. I think you’ve never experienced or even witnessed first hand abuse, of any kind outside of kids of the same sex fighting in school. You’ve never attended an anger management class. You’ve never been told how much you will burn in hell or deserve to die because of a horrible night that happened when you were 19 years old. Chris Brown has long been involved with volunteering and charities. The only thing that was mandated was probation and classes.
Like the Grammy’s, Chris Brown actually supports music and education as well. He also supports developmental disabilities organization. I’ve long read about his contributions to Best Buddies. Even his fans complete charity walks on behalf of his organization. The same fans who shall get bashed for “enabling him” , because media now teaches us to blame them when it comes to domestic violence as well. Teens, young kids…but you guys are talking about messages sent out to women and children?
What message does media give by exploiting domestic violence through Chris Brown and Rihanna. What agenda do news outlets serve by casting him out as the symbol for all things immoral and her the poster child for abuse victim?
He’s not a repeat offender. When criminal cases come out against celebs every person in their past comes out with a story of what that person did to them and that did not happen. It was an isolated criminal act and he was sentenced not by the Grammys but by the court of law.
The message it sends is that if you do something horrible if you can admit to it, face the consequences ,(take the online and in person death wishes..or maybe that’s only for Chris Brown), and try hard to promote positivity, fun, and stay faith based then you can overcome the odds against you.
Having Chris Brown on stage is not about patting him on his back for being cruel one night in the past (one night that could have ended worse, but didn’t so let’s not charge people on hypotheticals). If he repeats his violent behavior on other people, if he continues to live in it, celebrate, and encourage it then I’d understand the constant outcry against his appearances. Having him onstage is a message of redemption, resilience, and perseverance.
He’s been publicly bashed lots, any woman and child can see that. Every news outlet in the world said how inhumane they felt he was/is. Is that the proper message to cast off a person before they’re barely old enough to vote when the only true victim requests and encourages his forgiveness, fame and fortune? Let’s teach kids to condemn people on behalf of people who don’t want the condemning to happen?
You know Jay Z stabbed a man and received no charges aside from 2-3 years probation? Chris Brown received 5 years probation. We’ll never know what happened that night with him and Rihanna. All we know is that he has been judged by the law and the Lord (whether you personally believe in a deity or not).
He has done much to prove he’s a changed man. No he has not become a saint, I don’t know any saints myself personally. He was charged for assault and he hasn’t assaulted anyone since February 2009.
He has done much to prove he’s a changed man. No he has not become a saint, I don’t know any saints myself personally. He was charged for assault and he hasn’t assaulted anyone since February 2009. That was the only change required of him. GMA did not end in violence against another person, his strength not intent caused damage, but no one was hurt. To you that’s not good enough. To the law and the psych world, it’s honestly progressive. Maybe one day Chris Brown can make you happy, and you can forgive and accept him. Until then….well at least Rihanna does. You might remember it was her that he hurt.
Get a damn life! The article is so ridiculous it’s hilarious. Why are you people so obsessed with this boy? It’s pathetic.
I must comment. I was a Domestic Violence counselor for over 5yrs and I have seen first hand the devastation it can do upon the victim and the family. And when I say I have seen the worst, that means I have seen the death of victims and offenders.
The biggest problem with an individual who resorts to domestic violence is getting them to acknowledge they have a problem. In the instances where we were able to get the perpetrator to recognize they have an issue, we were able to break the cycle of violence and in most instances the individual did not return to that same pattern.
How sorry Chris Brown is or is not, is not the issue! Getting him to acknowledge that he has a problem and take the right steps to address it is phenominal! The likelihood that he will return to this abusive pattern statistically is almost zero.
The problem is individuals who don’t believe they have an abuse problem. And also individuals will not allow someone who has broken the abuse cycle to ever live it down. Without help it is impossible to break the abuse cycle, but once an individual engages the process everything is possible.
What upsets me is the role the Grammy’s played in making this ok. And specifically Exec. Producer Ken Ehlich’s role in it.
I have an open letter to him here: https://narissa.wordpress.com/2012/02/13/letter-ken-ehrlich-grammys/
Yes, people can change. Yes, people can make mistakes, recognize they have serious issues and deal with them. People can be truly reticent and change their lives.
Chris Brown was never that sorry. He was more upset that his career was being affected by what he did than being upset over what he did – which was, by the way, beating up his girlfriend. The tone of reaction from the “haters” would be a lot different if Chris Brown was actually trying to deal with himself and his demons, which publicly, there is no evidence of. Instead we get violent twitter rants about how nobody will play his songs anymore, punching windows, etc.
He’s a person who has anger issues and needs some help. This isn’t a “boys will be boys” situation. From where I’m standing, he isn’t that sorry for what he did, and THAT is why I don’t buy into the “let the boy move on” argument. Or the endorsement of his material by the academy.
I completely agree with you. It was an awful thing that happened but we shouldn’t crucify him for it. People make big mistakes, I know I do.
HEY YOU GUYS THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH YOUR STUPID CANONIZATION OF C. BROWN:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/horrible-reactions-to-chris-brown-at-the-grammys
He did a terrible, terrible thing. A lot of people do terrible, terrible things. Yet we’re really not so different by condemning these people forever, are we? If you ask me to describe an equal injustice to the lack of attention being paid to the millions of domestic abuse cases, it would be the lack of attention being paid to the millions of inmates shoved into our ever-growing prison industrial complex. Our society thinks it’s okay to condemn, hate and sweep people’s lives under the rug, as long as it’s just those “bad” people, the ones who’ve made supposedly irredeemable mistakes, but the truth is that it’s never okay to do this to anyone. Your hatred for “abusers” (this sort of language facilitates hate, so don’t pretend you don’t hate him) like Chris Brown is exactly the same hatred he harbors against those who make him feel emasculated, because hatred is all the same thing. Everyone is a good person, we all screw up, sometimes terribly, and although it’s only natural to harbor disdain for certain individuals whose mistakes are particularly deplorable, resentment and vengefulness ought not to get the better of us, even when it feels so good and empowering.
The guy was arrested, charged, and convicted of domestic abuse. He paid his debt to society, or is still in the process, (counseling & probation). What more do you want? Do you want to see him homeless and broke living on the street corner while people walk by and spit on him?
seriously – he was a boy he made a mistake. the person that he hurt has forgiving him. She wishes the best for him. So what should he suffer for the rest on his life. BC he screwed up. What he did was wrong, he did what he was supposed to do. Like you have never done anything wrong.
Wearing mismatched socks is a mistake. Leaving an oatmeal-encrusted dish in the sink is a screwup. Beating a fellow human being—and one you have professed to care deeply about—within an inch of her life is a felony.
My biggest problem isn’t Chris Brown—I don’t know anything about his private life or how remorseful he really is. My problem is that the media—and apparently a lot of the public—think that it’s ok to excuse it and act like nothing ever happened.
Yes, people DO need to pay for crimes and past mistakes, sometimes for a long time. That’s part of how societies ensure that people learn not to commit the crimes in the first place. Just because he’s young or famous doesn’t mean he should be exempt. Celebrating him and telling everyone to just forget what he did or the fact that he has never really apologized for it just sends the message that domestic violence isn’t that serious.
Giving him a quick slap on the wrist and then talking about how great he is and how bad we feel for him just sends the message that beating up women is not that serious of a crime. If this is what we’re telling our kids, vis a vis pop culture, then how are we supposed to fight Domestic Violence?
This. Yes.
Women stop provoking men… Your not tougher then men so stop acting like you are and like you are invincible. If your tougher then stand on the front lines of the army.. Stop lying about STD and all the nasty shit you have inside yourself and passing it to men then getting tested and acting like the man gave it to you!!!!!!!
I genuinely hope, for all women’s sakes, that no woman ever sleeps with you ever again.
I think you might be making a mountain out of a molehill here. What message does it send to openly and willingly condemn someone in public? Chris Brown is a young man, and he was an even younger man when he committed domestic abuse. Forgiveness and encouragement to grow and change are much better messages than forever opposing and hating someone. Domestic violence is no joke, and it also is not simply a man on woman offense either. Furthermore, the general public, Hollywood, etc. and their short memories for celebrities does not exist only in the realm of domestic abuse offenders, but basically in all aspects of personal issues illegal or otherwise. So you’re mad that Chris Brown doesn’t get booed. Do you boycott all Robert Downey Jr. films? In today’s world, fame is basically a license to do whatever one wants, and the problem is not Chris Brown, who actually is one of the few who seems to be bettering himself in light of his past transgressions. I think you’re barking up the wrong tree. When you find the right tree, that is, when you focus yourself on the more blatant issue, I’ll be ready jump on the cause with you.
In my opinion Chris Brown did a very bad thing, which should be punished. He has been punished and now people are dragging him down on any positive thing he does. People should just accept he did it, and stop dragging him down. The incident was around 4 years ago. Stop increasing the tensions of the incident. I’m not supporting domestic abuse, but as Rihanna has forgave you guys should to.
Women stop provoking men… Your not tougher then men so stop acting like you are and like you are invincible. If your tougher then stand on the front lines of the army.. Stop lying about STD and all the nasty shit you have inside yourself and passing it to men then getting tested and acting like the man gave it to you!!!!!!!
Joke? Irony? Sarcasm? Or are you just the most ignorant and vile person alive?