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Read Giulia’s post from last week on friendship etiquette here. And see below for a chance to win a copy of Giulia’s book: I Loved, I Lost, I Made Spaghetti!
When I was in my mid-thirties and in a bit of a panic about being single, I kept a pile of dating advice books at my bedside that I relocated to the back of a closet whenever a man came over. I studied The Rules as if they were the Gospels – and like the Gospels, I liked the idea of them, but had a very hard time living by them. I read He’s Just Not That Into You, How to Find a Husband at 35 (Based on What I Learned at Harvard Business School), and a little known tome called If I’m So Wonderful Why Am I Still Single? I told myself I was reading those books as a lark, sort of like how, when I was nine, I believed that I watched The Brady Bunch ironically, when the fact of the matter was that I enjoyed watching a perfect family with six kids – our five-kid family seemed many carpeted stairs away from perfection.
As a kid, I was getting something out of that TV show, just as an adult, I hoped to learn something from those books. I was flummoxed over why I couldn’t find a lasting relationship. The books made it all seem so easy; just stop doing the stupid things you’re doing, and do whatever the author tells you to do. Then watch the love come pouring in. If I could just refrain from returning his call, stop “wasting the pretty,” make follow-up calls after failed dates, or smile more, I’d be married in 12-14 months. But I was as likely to follow the steps those books laid out as I was to get Davy Jones to serenade me. My heart was shut down, and no amount of prompting from my head or Rachel Greenwald’s was going to change that.
One day I gathered that pile of pulp and walked it down to the corner trash can. (I couldn’t throw them away in my small apartment building, because everyone would have known they were mine. I was the only single person living there – just like I was the only single person at the office, in the summer share house, or at every wedding.) It’s not that I’m totally disdainful of their content. Some of the advice in those books is sound and some of it is ridiculous. But none of it is of any use at all until the reader is actually ready for a relationship, and when you’re ready, you don’t need advice. When I tossed the books it was a step in the right direction. I was beginning to accept my timing.
There is no end of money to be made making women feel bad about themselves. We’re more than willing to go there, and we’re happy to plop down cash to dig in deeper. Relationship books sell like wedding rings in Salt Lake City, so publishers keep on churning them out. I got my collection for free because I worked in publishing. (Did you think I’d actually pay for that crap?) No, I didn’t waste my money on those books, but I did throw away quite a bit of my time. And they did more harm than good by exacerbating my anxiety about where I was and what I didn’t have. They distracted me from the path I was on with its obstacles that were particular to me.
Those of us who stumble into romantic relationships are better off reading actual literature than the scribblings of some cynical know-it-all packaged in pink covers. No Jane Austen heroine ever settled for “Mr. Good Enough.” Jane Austen herself never married, and was her life any less? How many women will be remembered because they just said no to texting? But if your ambition is to join your life to another’s, and that’s not coming easily, look within. Take as your guide the literary masters who struggled on the page with every conceivable foible of the human heart. A truly good book is all you need (a good therapist wouldn’t hurt, either). The work will take as long as it needs to. Start by accepting where you are now with all its joys and sorrows, and when you find your heart’s desire, honor every mistake you made along the way. They are what brought you there, and they are yours.
What non-self-help books have helped you through a relationship or breakup? Sound off in the comments section, below. Ten Blisstree commenters will win a copy of Giulia’s book I Loved, I Lost, I Made Spaghetti!
Oops! Maybe you’d like a link! http://www.artofirresistible.com.
Good luck everybody and don’t get discouraged!
I think the problem with relationship books is that they always tell you what to DO instead of changing the way you THINK about yourself, men, and relationships. The fact remains that you can’t “fail harder” and expect to gain success.
I felt just like you my whole life. The “single girl syndrome” made me feel ugly, unlovable and weak. How did I get a great guy and a fulfilling relationship? I changed a whole bunch of little things that made him finally notice me. I found Roberto Hogue’s “Art of Irresistible” and discovered that I was stuck in a loop that happened way back in high school.
I kept trying to find my first love, Billy Jameson, and fix it. I dated a ton of cruel guys who looked just like him or reminded me of him in some small way. I’d pour my soul into them, fail, be heartbroken, and start the whole process on the next Billy.
I learned to stop chasing ghosts and actually see the amazing men who never even remotely reminded me of Billy. I now date men, not ghosts.
RIP Billy…
The one book I return to, and this is going to sound so old fashioned, but it always allows me the time I need to recover after a break up is Jane Eyre. I know, kind of old fashioned, but the main character Jane is really modern in how strong she is. She has a sense of self worth, dignity and integrity that I admire, and after a break up, I channel her character, pull myself together, and I am ready to face whatever comes my way!
Usually reading a good cookbook does the trick for me.
Obviously I do not expect to win a book (sweetie). I don’t know how these authors can presume that there is one right way to approach love. If it’s really love, rules probably don’t matter much.
Excellent point, Giulia…thanks so much for sharing and encouraging other women to toss these opinionated books. It helps to talk to and read about other women who went thru the same issues so we know we’re not alone, but not mimic the same fix for a different problem or berate u for mistakes :) Sometimes it really is the guy who was the jerk lol…I’ve read the obscure If I’m So Wonderful Why Am I Still Single? and would have to agree that this is as healthy as a toasted cheese sandwich. Ugh. Want to read something for strength and confidence? Pick up some Ayn Rand (i.e. Dagny Taggart or Dominique Francon), Anne Frank, or read about Amelia Earhardt :)
Iyanla Vanzant – “In the Meantime.” It makes you feel powerful about yourself as a woman.
Great post, Giulia! Along with several of the books you mentioned, I have also read “The Real Rules,” “Be Your Own Dating Service,” “Be Your Own Matchmaker” and countless others that did not help! The best books I’ve read to get myself though bad relationships or breakups are two small poetry anthologies: “The Hell with Love: Poems to Mend a Broken Heart” and “Kiss Off: Poems to Set you Free.” (Both are edited by Mary D. Esselman and Elizabeth Ash Velez.)
Anything really cheesy and sad that will give me a good cry. That or a good COOKBOOK!