Fragile

I’ve been doing this single parent thing for over two years now. Yes, it’s easier, because I’ve got our ‘how are we going to live day to day’ questions solved, but it’s harder, because now I’ve got some breathing space to wonder, what next?

Well, first thing is to get divorced. Neither of us has any money, and for some reason, the whole thing is overwhelming to me. NO, I don’t want to reconcile. That’s ridiculous. We are all three of us much healthier now that we’re not stuck in Hell together. And there is no way I could provide the kind of richness of everyday experience for my son where we were living. Nothing like several dozen free museums, concerts, and events every week to make a kid’s brain explode. In a good way. My job makes a difference. My home allows me to live the kind of idyllic, spoiled existence of an environmental crusader without having to put in much effort.

But today I’m fragile. Been on the verge of tears all day.

My son’s trying to see how far the rubber band between us will stretch before it snaps. My upstairs neighbor hasn’t dealt with whatever leak she has, and now my bathroom ceiling scares me. The floor is still warped from the last time it flooded down here, it’s cold and dark and dreary outside, and one of our high-tech, low-flow toilets isn’t working. I took it apart. I put it back together. I fixed the original problem but created a new one I don’t know how to fix. I don’t have a place for everything yet, even after living here for six months. I”m angry, snapping at shadows, impatient with the present and longing for the Future to hurry up and get here, dammit. Fix it. Fix it. Fix it now.

In short, it’s the holiday season again, and I’m feeling it.

The holidays are particularly hard, as families fragment and recombine in ways that don’t make any sense, in a traditional way. Who’s going to be where, who’s got the kids this year, when do they come back, can we do a late holiday, why bother with anything at all it’s not my turn this year.

Well, hang on to your traditions and make new ones, I say. Decorate a tree, if you’ve got Christmas on your calendar, whether it’s ‘your’ turn to have the kids or no. If you don’t have them for Thanksgiving, then have an orphan Thanksgiving and invite other friends to celebrate your blessings together, and have a Turkey a la King dinner on Sunday when the kids come home. Do some special rituals in advance of your big holidays. We’re going back to the Christmas Revels performance this year, as the King of Everything was entranced. My mom has got us tickets to see Kooza, the Cirque du Soleil performance, around Thanksgiving, too — the first year we were back, she took the KoE to see it. I’ve never been to a show, but some day I’d like to go to Las Vegas to see one.  Friends invite us to their Chanukah celebrations, and their Diwali nights, as well.   We go to bonfires on the winter solstice and do something silly on Boxing Day.

Look around at your local calendars. Museums put on special displays, some towns turn into Christmas towns entire (Occoquan is a personal favorite in Virginia). We’ll have a party and invite our friends over to make cookies, or maybe a gingerbread house if I can stand it. We’ll go sledding if it snows, and have snowball fights and drink hot chocolate by the fire.

One fun thing I know friends do, and that I’ll do this year if I can get organized… instead of an advent calendar, they get a book about the season for each day in December counting down to Christmas, wrap the books in paper, and put them in a box. Each night, the children unwrap a book to read. Other friends wrap up nine books for Channukah. You can save yourself a lot of money and buy the books at a used bookstore for a few dollars each. And there’s no rule that says you can’t wrap up last year’s books, too. I’d recommend any of the pop up books designed by Robert Sabuda, but especially The Night Before Christmas…

All of Sabuda’s books make amazing presents. By the way. Anyone with a dinosaur lover should check out his stuff. Really.

Oh damn. Now look what I’ve gone and done. I’m not feeling so… fragile anymore. There are so many things to look forward to in these coming months, no matter that those we love will get scattered here and there. We’ll all be okay, right?

But if you’re a recently separated parent and you haven’t gone through these holiday blues before, get out your calendar and start making plans.

Come see them light the National Christmas Tree (I think they call it something else, more politically correct like the Seasonal Evergreen of Peace and Hope or some such…) in my home town! It’s the last time Bush gets to do it, yo. Merry merry indeed. Oh, I’m sorry. My politics are showing again. Sorry.

If you’re still feeling fragile, then give this negativity-clearing ritual a try (thanks to single mother K for this one!). It works. I learned something similar in a prenatal yoga class, only we whooshed out a lung-clearing WWWWWWAH! and threw the bad things out.

Hey, it can’t hurt, right?