Karen Alonge over at Minti has posted some great advice on how to get along with your ex and make two homes, two families, and one heart work for the kids: 10 Stragegies for Co-Parenting with an Un-Cooperative Ex.
I love #9: Free your children to love both of you without reservation or fear. “Show your child how a candle can share its flame to ignite other fires without losing any of its own light. Love is infinite—it cannot be diminished by sharing it with others. Let your child know that it’s OK for her to love both mommy and daddy, regardless of how they feel about each other, and that you are confident that she has so much love inside her that it can never run dry.”
I had a good conversation with the ex tonight. We’re trying to talk about talking about summer, if that makes any sense. I wish we lived on the same continent. It would make life much, much easier for all three of us. I wish we had a shot at this co-parenting thing. Sigh. Maybe Karen has some advice on how to keep long distance parents a part of the family.
Chris, I hope you find the balance you need as you navigate this difficult time.
I have email evidence of concern of an arrest. The offspring was arrested for hitting the grandfather at the age of nineteen. And lots of evidence of failure to follow thru. In the end I may have to say no God in his heart may mean my child should have the most modest of expectations and get a black belt to hold her own.
Chris, it’s difficult to allow the ex to parent, or not parent, the way he or she sees fit. Unless you can prove a clear pattern of abuse to the courts, anything you do to hinder a relationship between your ex and your child is going to backfire on you. You can help your child navigate difficult waters by maintaining your own standards, keeping your rules consistent, and supporting the child in all ways while under your roof.
I explain to my son that we do things one way, and other houses have different rules. I might not like it that my son is allowed to climb all over the furniture in someone else’s house, but all I can do is stick to my rules, and enforce them.
If you believe your child is in danger, that’s another matter entirely. But you can’t protect your child from hurt and disappointment — you can only love them through it and give them the consistency they aren’t getting elsewhere. Hope this helps.
If you know the other parent models poor behavior( parented an abusive child, regularly reneges on promises) should the other parent embrace and nourish an innocent soul to fall victum to the same pattern of abuse?
Thanks, Clay. Very strange garbage in that link code. Cleaned and working, now, thank you!
*heads over to Minti to find more good stuff*
Hi Christina
Glad to see you find Minti advice useful.
Thanks for blogging about it.
I just noticed the first 2 links in your blog post are broken :S
Kindest Regards
Clay Cook
Minti – Co-Founder