Hey, single mother... maybe it's your fault

I’m turning into my ex.

Work is hellaciously busy and stressful right now. I go to work early and I come home late, in time to tuck the King of Everything in and too tired to read the fourth Harry Potter book with anything approaching enthusiasm. He wants more snuggles, I want to get in another hour of work before I have to do the laundry, mop the floor, dust the book cases, fold the clothes, vacuum the carpets, pack the  lunch, check the homework, find the keys, gather the dry cleaning, scrub the tub, update the resume, read the news, plan the work schedule… oh wait. Maybe I’m not turning into my ex — he never did any of those other things when he came home from work.

The rubber band between the King and I is stretched tight. This weekend, I’ve got to snap it back, or the tension is going to bite us both.

Are you and your kids at odds, lately? Are they pushing your buttons, are you bringing down the hammer? Did you ever stop to think that maybe it’s your fault?

Cause it is, you know.

If you find yourself in a conflict situation with your children — if they aren’t listening to you, if they aren’t doing what you’ve asked them to do or doing what you specifically asked them not to, you need to stop for a minute and take a good look at what’s going on. Usually, if you find yourself yelling at your kid to PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOOOOOOOOOW! then chances are, you’re to blame.

Hear me out. If you’ve got younger kids, and with some kids, this could be up to as old as eight or nine, you can’t assume that just because you’re in the same room and all ears are working fine, that you were heard. In fact, assume that you were not heard. It’s nothing personal: it’s just that whatever you’re asking them to do, unless it’s bungee jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge or summer camp with the circus, isn’t nearly as interesting as whatever they are doing. And even with older kids, make damned well sure you’ve got their undivided attention before you start talking.

Here’s how to do it with younger children:

• Go to the child. Don’t holler instructions from another room.
• Get yourself at eye level with the child. This might mean sitting down on a chair, or kneeling in front of her.
• Say the child’s name, and even put your hands on his shoulders to be sure you have contact. Look into his eyes.
• Give clear, concise instructions, and use cues in your instructions so they can more easily remember, “First, please put on your pajamas. Second, brush your teeth. Then, get into bed.”
• Make them repeat what you asked them to do — ask them, “Now, I gave you three things to do. What are they?”
• Set a timer. Kids like racing the clock, and setting a timer for a certain amount of time helps them gauge how long a task should take.
• For younger kids, supervising and prompting each step of their instructions is a necessary thing. Don’t lose patience. You are teaching  your child how to follow instructions, and it’s a big thing to learn.
• Don’t rush. See above, the part about not standing in another room hollering at them. Make contact, and make sure the child has heard and will obey
• You are in charge. If your child is ignoring you, chances are you haven’t got their attention, and all the irritated huffing and puffing in the world isn’t going to change the dynamic between your determination and their goldfish attention span. You’re the one who can modify her behavior to guide the little ones. If what you’re doing right now doesn’t work, then change it.

I hope these tips will help you get through the next frazzled morning with less Grumpy Mama in your day.