The notion that divorce is “ever-increasing” is a “great myth” and also “plain wrong,” Betsey Stevenson and Justin Wolfers, assistant professors of business and public policy at the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, write in an op-ed in the September 29th New York Times. Responding to the release last week of new statistics on divorce and to the New York Times itself reporting that “the latest numbers suggest an uptick in the divorce rate among people married in the most recent 20 years covered in the report, 1975-1994,” Stevenson and Wolfers argue that the divorce rate has been decreasing at a steady rate over the past quarter-century:
[The divorce rate] is now at its lowest level since 1970. While marriage rates are also declining, those marriages that do occur are increasingly more stable. For instance, marriages that began in the 1990s were more likely to celebrate a 10th anniversary than those that started in the 1980s, which, in turn, were also more likely to last than marriages that began back in the 1970s.
They also point out that a count of divorce certificates shows “the divorce rate as having peaked at 22.8 divorces per 1,000 married couples in 1979 and to have fallen by 2005 to 16.7.”
Stevenson and Wolfers speak out strongly about a constantly rising increase in the divorce rate as a myth and this led me to consider the figure of 80% that is regularly cited as the divorce rate in families with an autistic child. While I have often seen the figure of 80-85% referred to, I have not found a good source for this figure. That this is a topic of more than a little concern was apparent from the response to a post I wrote entitled Divorce a common side effect of autism?. The post clearly touched a nerve, as did Shelley Hendrix Reynolds’ recent article on the effects of her divorce on her autistic son .
Further, the National Autism Association (NAA) has launched what it refers to as the “first national program to combat divorce rates in autism community; it hopes to “confirm or update that percentage [of 80%] before referencing it in its program materials.” And, the “toll” that the “stress” of raising an autistic child can take on a marriage has more recently been in the news due to Jenny McCarthy who said during her Oprah appearance on September 18th:
Soon after Evan’s diagnosis, Jenny says the stress of raising a child with autism began to take a toll on her marriage. An autism advocacy organization reports that the divorce rate within the autism community is staggering. According to its research, 80 percent of all marriages end.
“I believe it, because I lived it,” she says. “I felt very alone in my marriage.”
Jenny says her husband dealt with his pain by staying away, even when Evan was in the hospital. “He never sat down and said, ‘What did you find out on Google?’” she says. “There was never that connection of wanting to know and being there.”
When Jenny’s marriage ended, she says she felt sad…and scared. “After the divorce, even though it felt good and the right thing to do, I felt, as I’m sure many mothers with children who have autism feel, ‘Who in the heck is going to love me with my child who has autism?’” she says. “I don’t care how big your boobs are or blonde your hair is—you’re going to feel that way.”
Leaving aside the attributes that McCarthy seems to equate with attracting the opposite sex (though I will note I would not, by the qualifications she mentions, get anywhere, not that I need or wish to; I’m Chinese American on both sides and nary a blonde hair to speak of), she does seem to be pinpoint autism as the reason for her marriage ending, and highlights what seems to be her ex-husband’s lack of interest.
Citing autism as the reason for a marriage failing can be seen as yet another reason for saying why autism is so awful. Taking care of Charlie is a privilege but it is not always easy. Childcare arrangements are a constant juggling act for Jim and me and we tend always to think of Charlie’s needs first, and of each other’s after that. We both agree that it should be this way. Jim and I would much prefer living closer to New York City due to our jobs but Charlie’s education comes first. We left the house that we planned to live in for 30 years in order that Charlie could have the right school placement. (And until this September we were living with my in-laws, which was very, if not too, interesting at times.) Jim and I have made many of our choices based on “what Charlie needs” rather than on what would be best for the two of us and I do hope that, ultimately this will be best for the three of us.
Stevenson and Wolfers suggest some reasons for why the “myth” of “ever-increasing divorce” persists.
Why has the great divorce myth persisted so powerfully? Reporting on our families is a lot like reporting on the economy: statistical tales of woe provide the foundation for reform proposals. The only difference is that conservatives use these data to make the case for greater government intervention in the marriage market, while liberals use them to promote deregulation of marriage.
But a useful family policy should instead be based on facts. The facts are that divorce is down, and today’s marriages are more stable than they have been in decades. Perhaps it is worth stocking up on silver anniversary cards after all.
Maybe it sounds like a cliché, but life with autism has made Jim and Charlie and I, and Jim and I, a tighter unit; a unit, cohesive, symbiotic, and together. We’ll see you in 2020.*
*Jim and I have been married since 1995.
[...] There may be some truth to divorce and disability, but statistics don’t necessarily agree. Apparently divorce rates, according to Kristina Chew’s article, are down and I’m particularly concerned when disability is used as the sole reason for a divorce. Kristina also writes: “Citing autism as the reason for a marriage failing can be seen as yet another reason for sayi… [...]
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Honestly, I can see how it happens having a special needs child that no one but you cares about. People are so indifferent to children with autism. It’s the saddest thing. The government doesn’t give a crap as most Autism kids don’t get a penny in services from the government. Not through Mental Health, Social Security, Medicaid, nothing.
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[...] connections to reearchers in the autism community), there is no basis for these claims.” Kristina Chew “While I have often seen the figure of 80-85% referred to, I have not found a good source for [...]
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When raising a son with autisim, there is little time left for anything other than how did he do today, what new research have you done, what did his therapists say today. This is night and day compared to a normal marriage with what i consider more normal challenges. This is something that doesn’t get resolved in a week, or months, or even years – it is lifelog.
While I appreciate that challenges and crisis may bring people closer together, you can’t ignore that this is day in, day out, for years, and it erodes the opportunities you have to ever spend time thinking about your spouse, doing little things for them here or there, or even having a conversation without the thought being in the back of your head wondering what else you should be doing for your son….
The only thing that keeps the divorce rate from being 100% is the risk of making any chance for your sons recovery or ability to live a somewhat normal life being negatively impacted by 1/2 the income [to spend on therapy], 1/2 the attention of parents, and an inability to understand why there mom or dad is no longer there every day.
I like hearing from other parents of children with autism – anyone else is simplify not qualified to comment.
familyforreal.com
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Jake, I think your situation is not uncommon.
I understand the obsession with finding the very best treatment and money be damned. I went through it with my ex, and spent a lot of energy and money on a futile quest for the NBA doctor-team of mental health. Eventually I had to recognize that things were not likely to get much better for him, and that even if some sort of dream team was possible, it would’ve needed managing. Forever. And there were two other people in the family. It still makes me queasy to see him lurch around in life and talk a little delusionally, but I remind myself that there’s probably nothing much to be done, and there is no emergency.
Two books that might help in acceptance of “not everything”, although they aren’t about autism, are _The Burden of Sympathy_ by David Karp (about being responsible for mentally ill family members) and _How We Die_, by Sherwin Nuland. The Nuland book is especially readable, and I think it’s useful in a culture of “everything is an emergency and you must do everything possible to save/help _____!” He talks about death, what it is, how it works, and how we have essentially tried to avoid dealing with it by making every death a medical “lifesaving” affair.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with staying in for the children, by the way. It’s a sensible thing to do. A loving, warm marriage is great, but if that’s not there, a partnership for raising children, even a chilly one, is a pretty good second. It beats the hell out of instability, empty bank accounts, chronic lawyer dealings, custody tiffs, kids trucking back/forth between houses, kids meeting girlfriends and boyfriends, etc.
My experience is that even in a really “good” divorce, with daily visitation and a reliable noncustodial parent, it’s a struggle to keep the other parent in the picture. You just don’t think about him or her that much after a while, because you’re doing so much of the work on your own. Last week I took my daughter to the ER; it didn’t occur to me for most of an hour to call her father and let her know we were there. He thanked me, but didn’t offer to come down, and I didn’t even think of being indignant till the next day. He just isn’t the ER/doctors/lessons-finding/clothes-buying/
playdate-arranging/etc. guy. And of course if we were still together, he’d be there for most of this, even if I was still the one making it go. It all sounds shocking, but in the moment the custodial parent is just thinking, “Gotta do this, gotta do that, where’s my phone?”
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Jake, it’s really good to know how well your son is doing. But you touch on a point that has come up in my own household: My husband and I both often find ourselves so involved in work and also with work and attending to Charlie’s needs that we do not do as much for each other as we might. We do coordinate the financial situation, plus I work, but money and bills are an ever-present worry: It often seems that there is never enough…… My son has a lot of needs and challenges (he’s not exactly in the middle of the spectrum, I guess one could say) and he is our only child.
Thank you for sharing about things and many best wishes—
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I have been seeing Jenny McCarthy do the book tour and I have a few comments. I think she is doing a disservice to those struggling with autism by not making mention that there is an entire spectrum of autism. Instead she makes “global” statements that autism is treatable and and can be cured. While many can thank her for putting the disease on many a person’s radar……..she may be giving false hope to others. I don’t know her situation specifically, however I would surmise her son was not diagnosed very high up the autism spectrum.
On the divorce rate itself. We have lived the classic autism diagnosis and marital struggles. We are fortunate in that our son was only diagnosed in the middle of the autism spectrum. Of course I wanted nothing to do with dealiing with the realities of the financials associated with getting the proper treatment…..and hoped that we can deal with it on our own. My wife’s days and nights became an obsession with getting the best treatment……regardless of whether it made sense or whether we could afford it. She took the approach of just getting the treatment and figured we can work out the bills later. This fit right in with her general approach to finances (in the rest of her life)…..but was in a giant conflict with how I managed life.
Therefore, we both grew to resent each other since neither of us was on board with the “priorities” of the other. My son’s story has been a success as he has worked his way into a typical schooling program (now in the 4th grade) and is doing well.
Unfortunately it’s our marriage that continues to be derailed. I would bet many other couples would have divorced years ago. My wife continues her obsession with the children’s (including my typical daughter) education. She has no other interests/hobbies outside of the children (including me). My wife and I essentially cohabitate and make the best of the situaation. I can choose to get out…..but am concerned about how it will impact the kids.
I think we both rationalize staying in the “marriage” by saying the childrens needs are greater than ours at this time…..and it would be selfish to stay in it.
That said….I definitely feel for those couples dealing with much more severe autism situations, where neither the child nor the marriage seem to show any progress.
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“As a “normal” family my son takes a beating on me from noon until 7 p.m. when he is in school. I am much more refreshed on the weekends when my husband is around more.”
I don’t know what “normal” is. But I’ll agree with your lack of “nanny” to do the childcare/housekeeping footwork. I do know that most “normal” families I hear from, meet and read about have extended families-as in Grandparents, aunts and cousins and various neighbors that chip in for babysitting, entertainment and for peer-modelling. I don’t live in the same state of any relatives.
We’re always somewhat envious of people who get that proverbial village to raise their child.
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All of Charlie’s ABA therapists are sick and his home SLP has tons of paperwork for her job (it’s parent/teacher conference time). It’s been Charlie and me—-Jim has had to lecture and teach in NYC—-from 3.15pm until about now when he is asleep: All great moments with my (not so) little (anymore) best friend, but no possbility of anyone producing a “nanny diary” around here.
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This really struck a cord today, as we are going through a rough patch lately. Will we make it through it? of course…we always do because we told ourselves that we would and we work on it. Does it get hard? yes.
My perspective on Jenny McCarthy has been evolving. I think she is strong but I also think that she is one of those celebrity moms who has all of the things she needs. How often does she (or her husband) really have to deal with the tantrums, sensory defensiveness, late night wakings, OT, PT, speech therapies, making the food, grocery shopping, potty training, medication issues, etc. like we do?
Sure, she probably deals with the medical side and plays with her son but doesn’t the nanny do most else? As a “normal” family my son takes a beating on me from noon until 7 p.m. when he is in school. I am much more refreshed on the weekends when my husband is around more.
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I guess that I feel the need to chime in. Rudy and I will celebrate our 16th anniversary on October 5. Between us, we have 5 kids….two of his, three of ours, though I claim all as mine.
I have to admit that I detected some denial (a very small “some”) when JP was diagnosed with Asperger’s. He knew something was different, but, as JP is the only boy with (now) four sisters, that’s kinda hard for a man to agree to. Put into the mix that this is a (now) 67-year-old man whose children range in age from 39 to 5. There’s also a different culture to consider (he’s from the Philippines). However, when Ely was diagnosed with classic, moderate-to-severe autism at 2, there was no denial. There was simply acceptance.
And yet? This man has been The Dad. He does not differentiate between his children with his first wife (who died before he and I met) and me. He is The Dad, and I am The Mom. Our two with autism? Yes, he probably spends MORE time with them than he does with the older three, but he feels that obligation because he’s the one who is at work all day, and I stay home. He understands that I would actually prefer to work, but these kids need me more. (That’s a whole ‘nother post, isn’t it, Kristina?)
There are things that we, as with any other couple, argue about…money, politics, discipline….but I guess I’m lucky because it’s never gotten to the point where a) he feels ignored, b) I’ve felt ignored, c) I’ve felt he’s ignored the kids, etc. He is with me at most ARDs, he tries to schedule vacation days around the kids’ holidays (even staff development days), just….cheesy as it may sound….his life rotates around his kids. He’s pretty conversant in “autism”, and he feels that all of his kids–NT and ASD — are pretty capable of anything. And he’s a GREAT teacher.
I will say, however, that, when the day comes that he decides to retire? That’s the day I’ll go back to work. Why? When he’s home full-time, he tends to rearrange my spice cabinet and my cleaning products, and it drives me nuts.
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Leanne, I think that kids in general can be a “storm” at times – I know I was to my parents! “Weathering the storm” is a pretty good description of what our diagnosis and intial treatment period was like, though. All the doc visits, evaluators poking at Bobby, then the flurry of referrals and meetings to set up EI and insurance back-and-forth – it leaves you breathless and tired at the best, and probably temporarily batty. Any life-changing situation like that can test your marriage, I’d bet, no matter what shape the relationship is in before. I’ve read similar divorce statistics for parents of children with cancer, physical disabilities and other serious medical issues, and also for parents who lose a child to an accident or crime. I wonder if all those studies are pulling from a similar pool of respondents?
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I think the term ‘fairweather friends’ can also be used in describing marriage. Some partners are ‘fairweather spouses’ and, be it Autism or some other stressor, when the difficult times come….
I also think communication is key. I think having a healthy marriage before we had Patrick allowed us to ‘weather the storm’ of diagnosis and upheaval. And no, I don’t mean to imply Patrick or Autism is the storm.
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I think Hubby and I had a good marriage before Bobby – we were married in June 1994 and had our boy in 2003 – and I think all in all we still do. We are lucky in a lot of ways, though, with health insurance, family support and good intervention programs, so we’ve been spared those additional stressors. Although, any diagnosis will be a huge shock to the relationship, even if you’re expecting one and not in denial!
And while the stress of everything Bobby-related (especially the physical stuff – the boy is big and strong and I am small) really messes up my head at times, Hubby has a very level-headed, practical “let’s just get this done and freak out later” personality. I think that’s a very necessary combo for Bobby’s well-being. I am the primary paperwork-manager and therapy-taxi-driver in the house, but that’s because I work flex hours from home. Hubby is great at following up what the therapists and teachers say we should do, and much better than I am at doing the home OT exercises. Swinging a 42 pound boy in giant circles around the room for vestibular stimlation is waaaaay out of my league now!
The main effect of hearing the divorce statistic for me is that I am determined to NOT be a statistic if at all possible. Also (selfishly??), I do not want to be the primary caretaker alone in the house with Bobby all the time. That would be bad. Very bad. When Hubby is not the house, the boy pushes every little button I have, repeatedly and with great skill. I think that’s any 4 year old child’s particular talent, though…and I can’t imagine going it alone, even with joint custody arrangements.
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“acknowledging them, processing, and moving on”: that’s the name of the game.
Yes, the 16th of December—inbetween semesters and, as we got married in Northern California, many friends were very happy to attend.
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