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If you like Kirsten Dunst (and I do), then this quirky Lucky magazine profile of the 29-year-old actress is the kind of thing that will only make you like her all the more (if you find her brand of manic pixie everygirl irritating—well, don’t read the article). She name-drops Roberta’s, the rooftop-gardening Bushwick, BK pizza joint, as her favorite restaurant; gets really super excited about spray tanning; and thinks her ex-boyfriend convinced her to cut her hair short because she looked uglier that way. She also admits that she’s afraid of “not finding someone to have kids with” in her 30s.
“I thought when I reached 30 I’d have a lot more figured out,” she says. “Until you have a kid, you’re just looking for your partner. And guys have a Peter Pan vibe. They’re 35 and they act like they’re 25. That’s what scares me most about being in my 30s: not finding someone to have kids with.”
I think it’s really interesting that she brings this up, because it’s one of the factors mentioned least in discussions of when women have children. You see a lot of things about the biological aspects of fertility. You get things about how women are ‘putting off motherhood’ because of school, or to focus on their careers or maybe just because they’re not damn ready. But it’s mostly women portrayed as having the agency (or burden) in all this fertility business.
But young men don’t want to be starting families in their 20s or even 30s, either! So who exactly are young women supposed to be having these babies with, even if they want to? For many women in their 20s or 30s who are ready to have children but don’t, not finding a partner to have kids with is a real worry. I’m glad we’re to the point where people recognize that of course not all women want to have children—in their 20s, in their 30s or ever. But I also think it’s cool that Dunst draws attention to the fact that some women do, and just haven’t found the right person to do it with yet. When we talk about why women are ‘delaying motherhood,’we should remember to take young men into account, too.
Photo: FayesVision/WENN.com
I find it (slightly playfully) offensive that you would assume men in their 20s and 30s don’t want kids or a family. All that does is perpetuate the myth than men are boys and just want to chase tail. That stereotype goes along with CWs point about the bad boy. A majority of girls (teens to 30s) date a constant flow of bad boys and wonder why they never last. Meanwhile, the worthwhile men have found someone. I’m a 28 year old man and I have wanted a family since I was a teenager. I, unfortunately, seemingly fit into the bad boy role, so as I was prospecting a mother for my kids, they were enjoying the brevity. I am now married to a wonderful 21 year old woman and am 6 weeks away from having a daddy’s little girl.
Why on earth should she settle for “good enough”? Why should anyone?
There is no “perfect” person. You just have to find someone who is “good enough” and whose faults you can live with. If you keep holding out for someone who does not exist, you’re going to wind up alone. I’ve seen friends of mine reject perfectly decent dating prospects for the most superficial reasons, like one who didn’t like the guy’s name (granted, it *WAS* “Baron” but at least give him a chance and go out on one date with him!)
I’m sure Ms. Dunst could find a decent guy to marry her and father her children if she were willing to settle for Mr. Good Enough. The problem that most younger women have is that they are attracted to the handsome “bad boy” type and ignore the average-looking nice guys. Then they look around in their 30′s and suddenly find that there are a LOT fewer prospects than there were 5 or 10 years earlier.
The message that women in their 20′s need to hear is to stop wasting time chasing after the bad boys and settle down with the nice guys while they’re still available.
Hmmm, I have to disagree here.
I don’t doubt that a lot of women in their 20s and 30s date guys who aren’t right for them; unless you marry your high school sweetheart, that’s probably true. But I think the whole stereotype of women ending up alone because they went after the wrong kind of guy in their 20s and 30s is really damaging; it implies that if you haven’t been out hunting for the right “type” of guy to settle down and have kids with, you’ve somehow dug your own grave and your relationship or dating problems are all your own fault.
I love Kate Bolick’s “All The Single Ladies” piece that was published in The Atlantic last year: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2011/11/all-the-single-ladies/8654/
I think if you read that, you’ll find that there are a lot more explanations for why more women are single and not having kids in their 30s.
Briana- I’m turning 35 at the end of the month (eek!) so I’m seeing this first-hand with many of my high school and college friends. They wasted their 20′s partying and chasing after bad boys and laughed at those of us who settled down with Mr. Nice Guy. Now that they hear the ticking of the biological clock, they are becoming desperate. And yeah, I do think it’s their own fault.
So, if you don’t spend your twenties hunting down Mr. Good Enough/Nice Guy, then you’ve wasted your time and years of your life?
There are plenty of women (and men) who don’t want to marry and have kids in their twenties.
It’s sad that women are shamed and blamed by other women for opting out of this kind of traditional thinking.