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When I first saw the title of this MSNBC article, “Fertility math? Most women flunk, survey finds,” I thought it was going to be a piece about women being unsure what days of the month they’re most fertile. Nope. MSNBC is actually positing that most women aren’t even aware of one of the most basic concepts of fertility in general: That it declines with age.
I call bullshit. How many women do you know who seriously aren’t aware that the older you get, the harder it is to get pregnant? Even the survey the MSNBC article alludes to in its title doesn’t actually support this conclusion. The survey—of 1,000 women ages 25-35—found about half of participants could answer seven or more (out of 10) fertility questions correctly. Some of the fertility questions that the majority of respondents got wrong were things like this:
If you are 30 years old, what is your chance of getting pregnant each month?
A) 70 percent B) 50 percent C) 35 percent D) 20 percent
Just because I didn’t know that the correct answer to that is 20%—or that it takes a 20-year-old woman an average of five months to get pregnant, not two—doesn’t mean I don’t understand it’s a lot harder to conceive at 35 than 25.
Koa Beck at our sister site Mommyish wrote about this yesterday, noting that the fertility math article “is just one of several pieces in recent months to paint conventionally attractive women with ‘smooth skin’ and ‘slim’ figures as idiots for wondering why they can’t conceive given their age.” The basic narrative behind these articles is that for a variety of reasons—because they look young, because they workout regularly, because they’re on the pill or just plain ignorant—women today don’t even realize that it’s harder to get pregnant at 40 than 20.
According to the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, only about 20% of women wait until age 35 to start trying to get pregnant. The media reports of women having their first babies in their 40s and even 50s are true, but these women are still outliers, not the norm.
And all of this says nothing about women’s reasons for delaying motherhood; the act of trying to get pregnant at a later age does not automatically imply a lack of knowledge about the fertility struggle older women face. There are ample (good) reasons why women put off having kids in their 20s: Getting an education, starting a career, and looking for the right partner. I highly doubt we want to go back to a society where women start popping out children right out of high school with whoever they can first find to impregnate them. We generally think it’s a good thing that women start having children a little later, and portray young moms as foolish.
But then suddenly—it’s too late. It’s like there’s a magic window between—what, 26 and 34?—during which all women are supposed to have all children. Before that, you’re irresponsible or unrealistic; wait until after that period, and you’re clueless and vain. In some socioeconomic classes, the window of acceptable baby-making time is even smaller: When I got pregnant last year, at 28, a significant portion of my peers acted like I was nuts for considering having the baby at my age (I ended up miscarrying). But if I give it three or four more years, I’ll likely be hearing lectures left and right about my ticking biological clock. Realize this, Gen Y ladies: You’ve got a window of about five to 10 years (at most) during which you should be ready, financially and otherwise, to have all the children you want to have, and in a stable relationship within which to do so, or society is going to frown on you hardcore.
I’ll be even more radical : why always assume women are just ALL destined to be mothers, and basically just baby factories on legs ? OH WHY ?
To be honest, I don’t even know for sure that I want to become a mother. There, I said it.
Don’t get me wrong, I value children and motherhood as much as the next human being, and I’ve had a wonderful mother who stopped working to have us at 24 and was perfectly happy with it… until her marriage didn’t work out anymore, over 10 years later. Those things just happen ! I was there, I can tell you all about it. Then she realised her social life was empty, and she had to get a crappy job asap to keep raising her children decently. And life went on.
Different times, different story, I’m the same age she was when she had me, but I’m a college student, I like to think for myself, working student jobs on the side, have my own place, a steady boyfriend, but I’m barely learning to take care of myself just yet, and haven’t started the real adult, working life yet, how the hell do you want me to raise children ? I have no time and no money right now. Please, think of the kids first !
So for now, I haven’t got it figured out just yet, but IF I ever feel the desire to become a mother, it’ll have to be later in life. I believe I’ll be a better mother than what I could be now. And if I can’t get pregnant, then so be it. By then my life will be filled with many good things and valuable expriences anyway.Tthere’s a choice to be made here, it’s not something that should be automatic.
“People are freaked out by the declining childbirth rate among middle- and upper-class women, the fact that the average age of first childbirth has steadily risen, that women are outpacing men in certain traditionally male arenas (like getting college educations) and the general sense of ambivalence (real or imagined) many women today have toward marriage and child-rearing.”
dramatic, but you have no proof of this, or even a reasonable explanation of why you are making the assumption that this is the reason for the (many? or just a couple?) articles about women not realizing that they are going to have very little chance of having a biological kid right away and without intervention at 40 when they have all the assets/income they need to have for everything to be perfect for their kid.
“But it’s not particularly okay, in today’s society, to say, oh, women should stop going to school, or working on careers” yeah but who said anyone at all thinks women should do this anyways? this is all from you, elizabeth, the author of the post! you’re making things up or imagining them, at least.
infertility is a really tough thing and any warnings or reminders should be welcomed. if you dont care about having kids/having them biologically thats fine, but for those who think, we want kids but not now and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, the cost and stress of fertility treatments, and the ultimate inability to conceive for some couples will be very disappointing. i thnk it will often be even more sad and stressful for the women (than the men) and these types of articles are written with the goal of warning the women. at the very least they may help prepare the women for disappointment
Well, I think we as a society need to make it socially acceptable again for college graduates to marry and start having kids in their 20′s. My mom was the first of her college friends to marry and start having kids (she was 23) but nobody acted like she was absolutely insane to do so. Yet when I married shortly after my college graduation at one month shy of 22, you’d have thought that I was 15 the reaction I got.
Now I know that not everyone meets their soulmate as a teen or young 20something. But we as a society ought to be encouraging rather than discouraging 20somethings to settle down. You don’t need a lot of money, a stable career, or a house to marry. My DH and I had none of those things when we got married- our worldly possessions consisted of two computers, a futon, a microwave, and a coffeepot. We’re going to be celebrating our 13th anniversary next month and I don’t regret for one second marrying on the younger side.
These are exactly my sentiments as well, thank you so much for writing this insightful article:) I love being a mother of a two year old at 39 and would not trade it for the world (would have traded it for a younger age, if I had the chance, 29 would have been great). I would have loved to find the “one” earlier in life. However, I did not find him until I was 35, so I did not have the choice of having children until after the dreaded age of 35:). I agree with the author, that women having children older are made to look crazy for waiting so long, in my opinion. I did and have always known the risk of having children at an older age. My own mother even told me she was okay with me getting pregnant out of wedlock in order to have a child at a “decent” age with an ex boyfriend I had in my early 30′s. However, I was not willing to have a baby with a man who turned out to not want to commit to marriage. Does that make me crazy? I did all the right things, I dated and was looking for the right one since I was 27. If a boyfriend did not want marriage, I moved on, and said adios! I wanted to find the one. I wanted to have children and a husband, and I searched everywhere. I went to church, met men through friends, I tried it all. I was not lucky like some of the younger ladies out there to meet someone at school, etc. So, it was not my choice to be single all of those years. I’m attractive and in good physical shape, friendly, a teacher, family oriented, and owned my home since I was 27. I finally met my husband who is also a teacher through a dating website. Even though I did the right things and waited to have children after marriage, I’m facing what all of the articles out there talk about, women waiting too long to have children. I had my daughter easily at 36, but for the last year, I’ve been having miscarriages. I would love to have another child, but my time is running out. Is this my fault? Yes, but I was not willing to have a child out of wedlock or surprise a boyfriend with an “oops”. I wanted to find someone who would commit to me and with similar goals in life. If I would have found him at 27, I would be telling you a different story. You are so lucky CW. I agree with you too, by the way, on society encouraging 20 somethings to settle down. This should especially be focused toward the men. Most men are not ready to settle down that early. Women are the ones for the most part who want to marry. There would be a lot more people getting married if the men were brought up to respect and value marriage at a younger age, but sadly that is the minority. No, you do not need a lot of money, a stable career, or a house to marry. But, you need to have similar goals in life and have stability before having children. Would you be willing to marry someone who abuses you? I hope not. Would you want to marry someone who spends all the money you make? Hope not. How about someone who cheats on you? How about have a baby with someone who would not marry you? Well, I’m glad you have said no to all of those, because that is the instability that I was not willing to say yes to in order to have a baby. I would have been fine with computers, a futon, microwave, and coffeepot, all that was missing was a husband. I’m happy that CW and other younger women have married young to the right “one,” but I’m also happy that I have had the chance to experience the same thing, be it at an older age, and be it I would have rather have been at a younger age myself, but was not lucky enough to meet a sweet man who wanted to commit until now. That’s the choice I have made, the responsible one, in my opinion, and please don’t say that I was never aware of the problems with fertility. I was fully aware, but was not willing to have a baby with someone who would not be around for him/her because he was too immature or had emotional problems. So, yay for all of us who have found happiness with our lives and families. There’s no shame in that:)
So, not only is the default presumption that you should absolutely be having babies, but if you don’t do it at a very certain time in a very certain way, you are immature and irresponsible. Got it.
Where can I get that tshirt?
It’s from a site called Zazzle: http://www.zazzle.com/no_im_not_pregnant_tshirt-235891576489054782
Thank you for bringing up the financial obligations of raising a child. This is a major deciding factor for me. Mothers can be amazing and raise great children. I think it’s petty to think women who are not mothers are somewhat less of a woman.
I’m 38 and I had a cab driver yell at me WHY when I told hiim I wasn’t a mother. Well I take care of myself and am improving the world in my own positive way. When is that going to be enough to be accepted by “society” as a complete woman?
The questions in that poll are designed to make women seem like they don’t know enough about fertility—why would the average woman know specific statistics like that?
No one’s asking women how much money it takes to raise a child, and then calling them stupid because they had kids even though they don’t earn the statistically optimal incomes for it.
These double standards are really infuriating.
And one last thing to note before I end this random list of rants: The funny thing is that being fit and maintaining a healthy weight are probably two of the best things that you can do to improve your chance of having a healthy pregnancy (at whatever age)… and yet women are demonized for focusing on those things because it’s “selfish” or superficial to take care of your body in your 30s instead of making babies with it.
Sigh.