I haven’t seen the King of Everything since Wednesday morning, and very little before then — work has killed me these past two weeks. I worked until midnight on Wednesday night and attended a working convening on Human Rights messaging on Thursday and Friday. The two days with like minded, intelligent peers was uplifting and managed to keep me from worrying too much about a couple of scary things on the horizon. I met up with the Boy after my pottery class this morning.
I am tired.
At first the day was great, we sang silly songs and ate pomegranate seeds. We’d already found all the pieces he needed for his Harry Potter costume, including a great red Quidditch cape and really spooky scary scar stuff. And hair black. And a Firebolt. And glasses. And a wand.
So we wandered down the street to watch a local fitness place teach the Thriller dance to passersby and the more long-term curious. Surprisingly, the Kid didn’t join in… I guess it wasn’t hip hop enough for him. So we stood around and watched the dance and played jungle gym on a friend of mine (no, literally, this guy would put his palm against the wall and the KoE would hang on it like it was a chinup bar).
Did I mention I’m tired? Did I mention I’m trying very hard not to worry?
But I stood there and watched my kid clamber all over a really kind, patient guy and it was hard not to worry. I am this little kid’s front line of defense against the world, with the war and the economy and the sheer insanity of what we’re going through on a day to day basis… but I can’t start worrying. Worrying isn’t going to do any of us any good.
The whole day was like that: get lost in a moment and then suddenly, those Monday morning realities would creep in again.
My mom joined us on our trick or treat ramble. I was a mess. Every time he’d wander up another wet staircase, my heart was in my mouth. ” Be careful!” “Pick up your robes!” “Hold the banister!” “Watch out!”
“You are such a worrywart!” she finally said to me.
“I know. I guess I worry about him because he’s the only thing I can worry about right now. Keeping him safe is the only thing I have any control over right now.”
The KoE was clearly frustrated with me, and I don’t blame him. Still, he said this was his best Halloween ever, and shared his Kit Kats with me.
Thanks, Boo.
I hope I can get some sleep tonight. There are things scarier than Halloween.
butrflymom, you are definitely not going through the grumpy teen girl thing alone. All my friends in your shoes are moaning and groaning. Hang in there. Eventually, you’ll be a grandmother and your daughter will have to apologize to you when she has a teenaged girl, herself.
Hey, Tracy! I’m so excited for you. I think that the difference between taking care of someone else’s and having your own is that you can’t give your own kids back. Please keep in touch and let me know how the adoption is going!
You will be a great mom. Don’t sell yourself short. All that experience is going to help immensely. I was so confused when I left the hospital with my kid. In one hand was a three ring binder with all sorts of information on how to take care of myself and recover from birth. In the other hand was a half sheet of paper with instructions on how to take care of my kid.
I’m a long time follower and soon (hopefully!) to be single mom through adoption. I just want to thank you for your honesty here. After a million years as a professional nanny, I trick myself into thinking it will be simple to raise a child by myself. Hearing the struggles you face raising your son force me to be more realistic and consider points that haven’t ever occurred to me yet. Thank you for that.
aawwwww, it’s so hard when you’re hard on yourself. it’s hard to be so tired. try to sleep, drink some tea, read something easy, and start fresh the next day. i know i’m going through a difficult time with an emotional teenage daughter. it’s hard to be the only one, but if you look around you’re probably not.
sweet dreams