Society generally views the male of the household being the primary “breadwinner,” Or at least feel that men should obtain some sort of income for the household. One of the biggest questions I get asked is if I feel I need to go out and make at least some money.
How do I normally answer this question? Well yes, society generally views the man of the house to be the one bringing home the bacon while mommy stays home and takes care of the little ones. Society actually is falling more and more into the “both parents are raking in the dough as they ship their child off to daycare” syndrome. I call it a syndrome but it works for some people. Again, I am not against certain daycare facilities, as some have already accused me of, but I do turn a nose up to those who simply have somebody else raise your child so you can go to work. Maybe that sounds shallow but having children is a responsibility and not a luxury.
I feel that one person in the marriage needs to stay home with the children while the other one works unless you just can’t make it financially. Traditionally it is the man who works. But why does it have to be the man all the time? Wouldn’t it be situational? Here are some factors that I think should determine which person should stay home and which person should go out into the workplace.
1) Income: Well here is the biggy. Who makes more money? If one is making $50,000 per year and the other is making $25,000 per year wouldn’t it be wise in most cases to leave the person making more out in the workplace? I would think so, but sometimes it isn’t that easy. There are other factors that can play in to your decision. In most families it could be that simple. But, what if one is making $30,000 and the other is making $30,000 as well? Now there are other factors that need to be looked at.
2) Employment Benefits: When you have a family employment benefits are important. Children need shots, they need regular check-ups at the doctors, they need routine dentist visits, and don’t forget emergencies that may pop-up at any time. You need to look into the companies that each of the parents are working for and see what benefits they offer. If the man shingles rooftops and makes $35,000 for the year but his boss doesn’t provide family benefits, and the woman makes $27,500 per year but her company has a great family benefits package you need to sit down and weigh out the options. The man after finding an outside source for insurance may actually conclude he isn’t making that much more than his wife did. So make sure your kids are set-up with insurance. Insurance is not just important for the kids but for the parents as well. Make sure you have that security.
3) Company Security: Insurance and benefits are one part of company security. But there are other factors you need to look into. Is the company you are working for about ready to file chapter 11 or are they booming and growing? If you are making $10,000 more a year than your spouse but your company may be downsizing in the next 2 to 5 years then you need to weigh in the consequences if you were laid off or demoted. But let’s look at the opposite side. Maybe the company is booming and more employment is needed. You know the company will be a great place to stay in and possibly retire. Some companies are great for careers, others are good for short-term work. So do some digging and find out about the company you and your spouse work for. In some situations you may want to choose the job with less income but the security and benefits packages are superb.
4) Promotion: This is also something to look into regarding a company. Is there room for promotion? Is there supervisory and managerial positions available? Could you be in a better position if you stayed with the company for a few more years. If both spouses are making the same amount of income per year and the benefits are roughly the same but one has the ability to make more money in a year or more and the other is sort of stuck at that one position, then that is another determining factor. But also look at your own credentials. Are you a good candidate for moving up the corporate ladder? Do you have education under your belt? Experience? Do you have competition where other employees hold the same credentials as you? So how realistic are your chances of moving up? Be honest with yourself because this isn’t about you any more, it is about your family.
5) Random: There are also random elements you need to look into. Some are quantifiable and others will be things you need to use your judgment. Quantifiable elements would be cost of gas. Does your spouse have a job down the street and you have a job that is 45 miles down the road? Gas prices is definitely a factor. Is it costing you $25 in gas for the day to drive to and from work? Multiply that by 5 days for the week and you are paying $125 for the week. How much is that for the year? You will be paying $6,500 for just gas alone.
There are some judgment calls that you can’t figure out on a calculator. Maybe you can’t decide when it comes to calculations. Both jobs seem secure, both pay roughly the same, both jobs are located nearby, both parents have education and experience under their belt, and there is hope for promotion in the near future. How do you decide? Some judgment calls would include things like “Who is up for the task?” Is one more willing to give up a career for their family? Will one hold resentments against their spouse 2 years, 5 years, or 10 years down the road? Is one better with the kids? These are all judgment calls that need to be looked at. Maybe there is more of an opportunity to work from home with one spouse than the other and so you plan to help get that one parent going working at home, whatever that may be.
So let’s go back to the original question. Do I feel I need to obtain income as a male in our society? Well, in my situation absolutely not. In fact, I think it would be unwise and completely self-centered to force my wife who is making 4 times the amount of money I would have made to stay home just so I could feel masculine. This isn’t about me. It is about my family and what is best for them. Why should I go to work to save my ego but struggle to pay the bills and not give my children financial security and the insurance they deserve?
I think society can accept this in time. Don’t you?
[...] Now, I understand in most cases people aren’t trying to call me a woman. I understand that really. But what drives me nuts is people think all my wife does is work and neglect the kids, and on the flip side all I do is wear an apron and vacuum. Stereotypes! [...]
Kate thanks for sharing that. Sounds like my life after college days. School loans, credit card debt, and not far enough up the corporate ladder to make ends meet. Rationing off the milk and the food so you can eat on Friday wasn’t always fun.
I just went back to work outside the home and, as an educated professional mother I did feel that I was expected to contribute to the household income. On one salary, we can make it, but only if I was to go without and quite frankly, I was sick of not being able to afford a haircut every two or three months, I was sick of walking around with holes in my ancient jeans and running shoes and I am just tired of having no financial room to move. And, by going back to work, I actually insure that we get to visit our families every year and, without that, our little nuclear family is too inward looking, too narrow focussed and just too isolated from a lot of love and wisdom we all need.