Some thoughts on blended family

I had the great fortune to spend a week on vacation with sometimes up to five different families under one roof.  The youngest child was under three, the oldest almost 11. There were adopted babies. There were grandparents. There was even a Great Ridiculous Dog. And then there was me and the King of Everything, new to most of them, nervous and wondering where in the world all these people came from. Add a very rainy week that drove us indoors 80% of the time and you have a recipe for potential disaster. How did we do? And how did we do it?

My first realization, on the drive up the coast, was that whatever perfect, idyllic, stress-free meeting of family minds I might have envisioned should be tossed out the window. Preferably while at cruising speed. Bored kids. Family dynamics. Boys. Boys who are trying to figure out how they fit together, and whether their single parents are going to stay single, or try some great, big, smashfamily experiment. So my first word of advice for any of you single mothers out there contemplating a big move towards mixing with another bunch? Relax. Expect there to be awkward moments and hitches. It’s not going to be perfect–hell, sometimes it’s going to be downright difficult.

Breathe. That means a lot of things, like, take time for yourself and your child, even amidst the chaos of combining your family with his. It means give your kids and his some space to work out differences amongst themselves, and don’t jump in to mediate every little squabble. It means take some time for you and your potential partner, even if it’s just a quick stroll down the beach while the kids are in bed. And try not to worry over every little thing.

Talk. If his parenting style differs greatly from yours, speak up. Don’t criticize, but you might try gently mentioning that your son responds better when you do such-and-such instead of so-and-so.  Offer positive reinforcement to your children when you see them doing well together. And find time to laugh and play games together. It’s a great way to get to know each other.

Act normal. Don’t make every outing with your combined families some great extravaganza. Hanging out, making dinner together, a trip to the park or cheering someone on in Little League is a better way to get to get aquainted.

If you are thinking about trying to blend families, either with potential step-children, adopted children and biological children, or any combination thereof… just try. Love. Laugh. Cry together if you have to… and know that it will all be okay.