Suddenly single, mama

Sometimes, you don’t see it coming. Single motherhood is thrust upon some, through unexpected pregnancy, death, abandonment.

And sometimes, a woman’s partner just up and moves across country for a great new job, leaving her to pack up the house, take care of the kids, and move everything across country as a single mother.

Solomothers, meet Laura. Laura, Solomothers. Laura had an interesting experience in the hardware store the other day…

I never intended to go undercover as a single mother. Believe me, if my life can be made easier by fitting into someone else’s stereotyped image of who I should be, I’m all for it. So, it was with great surprise that I found myself on the receiving end of single mother scorn recently. It got me thinking about my newfound perspective and what I can learn from this abbreviated solo experience.

A brief recap. My husband has accepted his dream job on the West Coast. The boys and I still live on the East Coast and won’t be joining my husband until the house sells and the school year is over – hopefully no later than the end of June.

My husband’s new job offer came suddenly, giving us about 2 weeks to plan and prepare for our separation. Living in a hundred year old house, a lot of the pre-sale prep work of our home has fallen on my shoulders. That wouldn’t be so bad, except that all my obligations these days are now coupled with my solo parenting responsibilities of two boys, ages 3 and 5.

I was not looking forward to dragging the kids to our local hardware store recently. They were missing their dad and desperately needed sleep. However, I needed to start work on my “honey-do-my-own-damn-self” list if I was going to get the house on the market by mid-April. So, at naptime, instead of letting the boys sleep, and without anyone I could turn to for the favor of watching my kids while I shopped, I took the boys to the hardware store. Because I was working on home repairs, I was not wearing my wedding ring.

My kids were awful at the store.

My five-year-old took about a hundred paint samples off the shelves and threw them at his brother, who screamed and knocked down a display. A chase ensued. I screamed. They screamed louder. That’s when a young male clerk (of maybe 25) took it upon himself to correct my parenting. He offered condescending hints on what I should be doing, shouldn’t have done, and would be better served in life by learning from him. Certainly, I’ve received the stink-eye from strangers at the grocery store before, but this was the first time a store employee ever felt so bold in correcting ME for my kids’ behavior. I was too stunned to argue and sheepishly told the boys to rein it in and stand beside me until I was done. That’s when things changed.

My older son, standing in front of the clerk said something about “when Daddy comes home from his important job”. At that same moment, I was paying for my purchases and my Department of Defense ID card (I am a veteran and work at the Pentagon) fell out of my wallet. Twenty-something clerk put the events together -”daddy’s important job” and my DoD ID – and assumed that I was the wife of a soldier in Iraq.

Let me be clear. I never claimed that my husband was in any way affiliated with the armed forces. I wasn’t angling for pity and didn’t plan on supporting the clerk’s misperception. However, I didn’t correct him either. Suddenly, I was a hero’s wife and my boys were brave little soldiers. Clerk’s attitude shifted 180 degrees and he bent over backwards to help me, even carrying my purchases to my car and giving my kids presents from behind the counter.

The funny thing is that my kids never stopped being out-of-control. My boys continued to throw things and scream and push even while Clerk gushed on about his respect for the military. I just looked down, too embarrassed to make eye contact with him.

The clerk’s final words, as he loaded my package into the car and rubbed my younger son on the head, were, “Be good to your mom. Make your daddy proud.” That’s when I realized that my ringless finger and (temporarily) fatherless children offered insight into a world I’d never known. I am spending 4 and a half months parenting solo, removing my wedding ring along the way to satisfy my curiosity and see how other mothers do it. The results haven’t always been pretty. I’ve learned that help from strangers comes faster when I’ve got my ring on and forgiveness for bad behaviors (the boys and mine) is more generously offered when there’s a “Mr” somewhere unseen.

Christina has kindly allowed me to share my experiences here. I hope to write an occasional blog about my time as an “undercover solo mother”. For most solo moms, I’m sure my reports won’t be newsworthy. But for me, this is fascinating stuff.