If you’re a single parent whose former partner has bailed on the whole “involved parenting” thing, you’re not alone. Recently, my son — the King of Everything — was pretty angry at his father, who lives in another country. While I’m glad he feels comfortable enough with me to express his anger, I wish he could talk to his father about it. I’ve listened patiently to this six year old boy as he rages against how unfair and unkind it is that his father doesn’t call him often, never writes, hasn’t come to visit him in over a year. “I guess he has more important stuff to do than me, huh,” was his irritated comment a few nights ago. I haven’t even told him that his father is living with a woman who has children. I haven’t told him his father is living with someone, period. But I’m sure it’s going to rock my little kid’s world to find out that his father does nothing to take care of him, and yet has two full-time stepchildren on his hands in his new life.
Yeah. That’s going to go over well.
When your child expresses anger or disappointment about a parent, there’s a fine line every engaged guardian has to walk. While you shouldn’t take it as an opportunity to bash the neglectful parent, you don’t have to defend his or her behavior, either. Kids are smart. Don’t insult them by trying to white wash things or cover for a bad parent. But don’t take advantage of disappointment to vent your own bitterness and disappointment. It’s not your turn. Let your child say what she has to say, and then provide a space where you can discuss the emotions, the motives, and the consequences in a supportive way. Make sure your child knows that a parent’s bad behavior has nothing to do with the child, and everything to do with the parent. And above all, make sure your child knows that no matter, what, he can always count on you.
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A great post. Excellent advice to let your children talk when they need to talk and not turn it into your spotlight for a diatribe. My daughter knows of her bio-father (who she’s never met) and it’s tough to explain to a 4 year old why he’s not part of her life. I haven’t told her that she has half-sibs. I don’t know when, or how, I can break that news.
My kids’ disappointment is over their father’s broken promises. He is involved in their lives, but almost never follows through on the things he says he/they are going to do (“we’re going to get a puppy!” or “I’ll take you to the store to buy a bicycle helmet so you can ride your bike at my house” or “we’re taking a vacation to Disney this fall”). The looks on my kids’ faces make me so sad when they realize he hasn’t followed through. I’ve tried to involve other friendly men – their grandfather, a retired neighbor – so they will see that father figures do follow through …
I completely agree! The biggest mistake I ever made was one time when I tried to cover for the girls’ father, and I vowed I’d never do it again. Nearly 6 years later, and I haven’t.
The fact is, a child SHOULD be angry when they’re being neglected like that. Giving them proper space and parameters to express that anger is one of the most effective tools we can give our kids – in any situation.
This is GREAT advice~Thank You for sharing:)
My son is still young he doesn’t show many emotions when it comes to his feelings about his father (but it doesn’t he doesn’t have them) I would never do anything to bash his ‘daddy’ but I completely agree with you when you say that you shouldn’t cover for a bad parent. The hardest thing to do is to make a hero out of a dead beat.
I agree one hundred percent. My situation is similar. My ex was married a month after our divorce, had two more kids right away then moved to Alaska, which might as well be a foreign country. He has hardly called in 7 years and has seen them less than once a year. They still ask why he loves his ‘other children’ and now his step children with wife number three more than he loves them. the best i can do is tell them that i dont understand his actions but he is their father and he loves them. He just isnt very good at showing it. thing is, i know that he does love them. and i really dont understand how he can be so distant. I mentioned to them that maybe it is easier for him to put it out of his mind.. because it hurts when he talks with them and knows he cant be near them…but it hurts me to see them hurt