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Because the kids have to go, or the law might come down on you. It’s his turn, right? He’s their father, no matter what, right?
Maybe.
I googled the term, “Kids don’t want to go to dad’s house” and found a cacophony of voices, some supportive, some vindictive, some plain old huh?
Here’s what I think will help these difficult situations:
- Don’t cry. Seriously. Accept your child’s declaration at face value. You have to be the brave, calm, resourceful one. Your kids need you to be that rock.
- Reflect their words back to them: “Hm, you don’t want to go to your dad’s house?” or some variation thereof. It lets your children know that you heard what they said and didn’t pass judgment or jump to conclusions
- Listen. Don’t immediately start arguing with them about why they have to go or commiserating with them on why it’s so horrible there. Just listen. When you get a kid to start talking about ‘why’, they often resolve the problem themselves
- Check your own behavior towards your ex–are your kids avoiding their dad because they think it hurts you, or because they know how much you dislike him? If you think you really do keep your thoughts to yourself (little pitchers, big ears, remember?) then…
- Listen to cues in your child’s diatribe and wait for an appropriate time to ask WHY they don’t want to go. Again, don’t go wildly jumping to conclusions or fishing for reasons. If they wrinkle their noses when they mention dad’s girlfriend, that can give you an opportunity to ask about her
- Does your ex trash talk YOU when your kids are over? If so, and if you can stomach a conversation with him, you might be able to gently remind him that you keep your opinions to yourself for the sake of the kids, and his words are hurting them; hell, it’s worth a shot
- You can give even your littlest ones some language to defend against harsh words, if your ex (or his girlfriend, or his mother…) is less than discrete around the kids. Even the littlest ones can say, “Please don’t say that, Daddy, it hurts my feelings,” or “I love you and mommy, please don’t say mean things.” Older kids, if they have the self-confidence, can directly request that he stop, and tell their father that it makes being with him absolutely uncomfortable, unpleasant, and unbearable. Could they ask for a ‘mom-free’ day from their father, and get him to stick to it?
Unless they are being abused, you don’t have much of a choice unless you want to give your ex ammunition in a custody dispute. Arrange that the kids can call you every day, and send them off with a note in their pockets that reminds them you’re always there for them.
And if you do suspect they are being abused? Call a lawyer experienced in this kind of case immediately, and do not let them go to their father’s house. Find a counseling group for kids of divorce. And be a strong mama bear for your kids: you are their best protector and advocate.
Just don’t way anything nasty about your ex to them, OK? If they ask why they aren’t going to dad’s house anymore, tell them you’re working with him to see if he can stop being so mean/saying mean things, etc., if you suspect the abuse is mental and/or physical. I’m not even going to go into the other kind of abuse. Just. Not. Now.
Just found you while reading the comments on maybeimjustabitch. I’m thrilled b/c I too am a single mom and I have found that no one gets us like we “get” each other. I’ll be back
[...] I wrote about What to do when your kids don’t want to go, and focused on the times when the reason falls to bad behavior on the part of one (or the other) [...]
L.A. mama, check out Fred’s advice — he uses the clothes his daughter arrived in as a transitional object for when she has to go to mom’s!
Fred, these are great suggestions and I am glad you chimed in, because although I used the ‘going to dad’s house’ as the sort of gender specific writing, I didn’t mean for it to only work one way. I get plenty of emails from dads who do everything and still have to face the frustrations of deadbeat moms!!
I love the idea of the clothes change. Makes sure you get everything back as you got it and gives her some time, and a physical symbol, of the switch. I like!
sometimes it’s all just too much for them developmentally, if they are still little.
a transitional object and a picture book (of them, both parents, the houses, etc.) they can take with them can be really helpful.
Exchanges for kids are hard whether it is visiting mom or dad. I deal with the same issue when my daughter goes to visit mom as well. Since early on, I have always told my daughter, “It’s part of the rules,”–like driving on the right side of the road or going the speed limit.
I don’t speak negative of the other side nor show emotions when this issue comes up. I always say, your mother loves you very much and this is the time allocated to see her. As a custodial parent, it is your job to encourage positive exchanges and encourage relationship with the other side.
One final tip that made the transaction easier in the early days, we would change back into mom’s clothes as part of the process within 30 mins of the exchange. This process would begin to get the kids in the mindset of the transition. I have found this to greatly improve the process. Don’t tell your kids what they are missing or promise anything special when they return–focus on making the transition as seamless as possible.
Donna, thank you for reminding me of one of the other reasons kids don’t want to go: it’s new. It’s not like it was. It’s different.
DO. NOT. WANT.
So glad you and your ex are doing well on the distance co-parenting and keeping it friendly. Would it help if you knew what he had planned for her so you could set the stage a little bit?
I have a hard time with this. My soon-to-be ex and I are very friendly and we NEVER trash talk each other at all, much less in front of our daughter who is three. But invariably, my daughter refuses to talk to him on the phone and will cry and scream when I tell her she’s going to her dad’s house. She throws a fit when he comes to take her. But she calms down and always has lots of fun once she’s there. I think it’s just that I’ve always been a SAHM with her and she has spent much more time with me and my house is where she considers home. I’m just hoping she grows out of this because I know it hurts his feelings, even though he says he understands.