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Dr. Julie Elledge
You are in a sexless marriage. Scary phrase, right? In principle, maybe, but as it turns out, if you and your partner haven’t had sex in recent memory, it may not mean the end of everything. (Of course, it may, but there’s always hope.) I actually have a few friends who are in long-term sexless relationships, and to an outside observer, they really don’t seem any more dysfunctional than most couples I know who have regular sex as a part of their union. Still, curious about what’s considered “normal” and “abnormal” when it comes to marriage and sex, I asked Dr. Julie Elledge — a psychotherapist for individuals and couples who deals with many issues of sexual health – some questions about whether or not intimate, romantic relationships can exist and last without the s-word. Here’s part one of my Q&A with her on the scintillating subject of the sexless marriage:
How little sex does a couple need to be having with each other in order to technically qualify as having a sexless marriage/relationship?
There’s really no technical qualifier for a sexless marriage. A better indicator is the couple’s perception of their own relationship. Human sexual desire is stimulated from two parts of the brain: The primitive pleasure centers are more erotic-seeking novel sexual experiences, while the higher-order centers of the brain search for emotionally intimate sex with a monogamous partner. A healthy relationship has room for both intimate sex and erotic sex. But sexual desire problems arise in a relationship when individual or relationship dynamics influence the partners into suppressing either side of their sexual desire.
As committed relationships progress, couples experiment sexually. Eventually, couples will get to the point where they’ve tried everything that’s mutually acceptable, and will have to risk disclosing something new and private about their sexuality in order for the relationship to continue to grow. The relationship grows though the process of revealing new and (up until now) private sexual desires that are received generously by the partner. It could be a desire for more romance and intimate sex, or it could be a push for eroticism such as fantasy, role-playing, or exploration. Taking the risk of sharing previously private sexual desires is the antidote for sexual boredom and low sexual desire.
Why do couples stay in sexless marriages?
Couples chose boredom over risking the exposure of their sexuality because they’re protecting their current level of emotional intimacy. They think: “What if my partner is turned off by my sexual desire?” “What if I try it and I’m not good at it?” “What if I disappoint him/her?” “What if they feel I’ve been dishonest by not showing this sexy side of myself up until now?” It takes a strong bond to reveal your most private desires to your partner. Fear of rejection, humiliation, or failure can be powerful motivators to avoid taking risks that grow sexuality in the relationship. The fear of losing emotional intimacy douses the flame of sexual desire – freezing the couple into a sexless relationship. Often the couple feels that it’s better to remain sexless rather than take a sexual risk that could result in losing the current level of emotional intimacy they currently share.
Can a sexless marriage ever be a truly mutual agreement?
Yes. The couple can either implicitly or explicitly agree to a sexless union to protect the current level of emotional intimacy rather than take sexual risks that could jeopardize the intimacy that does exist.
Can a sexless marriage ever be a truly healthy marriage?
A healthy marriage balances stability with growth. Trust is the anchor of the relationship, and eroticism is just one tug toward growth. Introducing sexual novelty to the relationship or pushing for deeper intimacy requires the couple to be flexible and tolerant – as well as bring a generous spirit, a sense of humor, and an attitude of acceptance as the couple continually reshapes their intimacy and eroticism. When a couple feels the need to protect the current emotional intimacy to the point of suppressing their sexual desires, the relationship lacks the safety for the couple to experiment and play together. At this point, the relationship has become fragile; trust is in question and growth becomes impossible.
To me, a sexless marriage is code for: “Someone is having an extramarital affair.” Is that true, or do most couples just go through phases where they’re having less sex for whatever reason?
I’ll answer that question by raising three more questions.
1) Does a sexless marriage indicate a extramarital affair?
Not necessarily. There are many reasons couples don’t have sex. It can be a normal part of life. We’re all thrown curve balls that we don’t expect. Illness, stress, and normal life transitions can lead to your partner temporarily not being sexually available. Supporting one another through these stages of life is an important part of commitment. Also, as I mentioned, the couple may be protecting their emotional intimacy (the emotional “status quo”) by avoiding sexual risks that could damage it.
2) Does an extramarital affair mean that the married couple isn’t having sex with each other?
Sometimes yes, but other times an extramarital affair can make the partner feel sexually bolder and actually increase sexual activity in the committed relationship. That partner may be allowing their sexuality to be more fully expressed in the affair and will take that back into their primary relationship.
3) Is it normal for a couple to go through phases where they have less or no sex?
It’s normal for a relationship to go through seasons of low sexual desire caused by stress and life circumstances. For example, a partner may be sexually unavailable due to normal transitions like a new baby in the house, job loss, or a disruption in health. The stark reality is that all couples will face a lack of desire at some point in their relationship. It’s when one or both members of the couple feel disconnected or dissatisfied with the quality of their sexual connection for an extended period of time that problems arise.
Are there any differences between sexless marriages when it comes to heterosexual couples vs. homosexual couples?
As far as sexless relationships go in the GLBT population, there’s no research I’m aware of that cites significant differences with the major relationship dynamics that affect sexual desire. Gay couples struggle just like heterosexual couples to balance stability with novelty and challenge themselves to take sexual risks when sexual desire slows down between them.
What should we do if we’re worried we’re in a sexless marriage/relationship and aren’t happy about it? Couples counseling? Antidepressants? Divorce? A temporary “Hall Pass”?
If one or both partners feel a significant dissatisfaction with their sexual connection for six months or more, they could be on their way to a sexless relationship. If that describes you, chances are you may need to consider what you fear. Are you afraid of losing your partner emotionally if you push for more sexual intimacy or eroticism? Do you fear losing the emotional intimacy that you currently share if you ask for more romance? Are you afraid to reveal your fantasies or admit your more erotic desires? Facing your fears is not for the faint of heart. The risk to the relationship can be very real, but restoring your sexual relationship may require facing your fears and introducing sexual experiences that revive your sexual connection.
Look for part two of my sexless marriage Q&A with Dr. Julie Elledge tomorrow on Blisstree.
Dr. Julie Elledge has a Ph.D. in education, masters in clinical psychology and a bachelor of arts in psychology with a minor in communication arts. She is a psychotherapist and coaches couples and individuals to optimize their performance at work and in their personal lives. Using a variety of storytelling methods Julie helps clients to develop powerful self-stories that overcome past traumas and crisis to lead a happy fulfilling life.
Julie and her colleague Tom Hicks have penned the book Lovers Exploration Guide, Developing Your Intimate-Erotic Connection that works in combination with Videos for Lovers to lead the reader through a journey of self-discovery and an exploration of what their relationship is and could be emotionally and sexually.
Founded in the latest research and theory, Julie and Tom have also developed a theory, How Couples Develop an Intimate-Erotic Connection and a treatment model, Restoring Intimacy and Eroticism for mental health professionals. Professional training for mental health professionals is available through Academic Alley.
